Poz Mikey

The Loneliest Activist

2009-06-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel a lot of times trying to educate in the real world about HIV/AIDS. I'm home alone a lot by myself with my computer. My true friends are very hard for me to visit due to transportation issues. I have no partner to share my feelings with at this time. On the outside to others I hide the true hurt that's within me.

Me on Poziam.com Radio Tell My Story Of Finding Out I Had AIDS

2009-05-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

The Documentary About My Life Living With AIDS

2009-05-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was the premier of the short documentary about my life living with AIDS. This documentary was for the Youth Empowering Youth Project here in Santa Cruz. The documentary crew was a few high school students in which I had an amazing time with those students.

I walked into the theater to see myself on the big screen for the first time. The documentary was shown with a buch of other high school students documentaries about issues here in Santa Cruz county. In the middle of seeing myself on screen I started to cry hearing my story. It made me realize how much I've been threw these four plus years. It also showed me that my sense of humor has kept me from going over the edge and what a strong and powerful message I have to deliver.

The only thing that was wrong with the documentary was who ever put the DVD together screwed up the sound tracks on most of the documentaries. It was like watch bad dubbed, 1970's martial arts films. I think all the students from the Youth Empowering Youth Project did an amazing job. I also felt so bad for those students because their hard work was messed up by the person who rendered the soundtrack.

The Amazing Flying Exploding Pizza Stone

2009-04-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

So I saw my roommate Larry make a quesodilla on a pizza stone. I decided I was going to do the same thing today. First I got the pizza stone and put it onto the top of the stove. I pulled out the tortillas out of the fridge and the sharp cheddar cheese. I put one tortilla on the pizza stone and grate the cheese on the tortilla. I place the top tortilla on my quesodilla what a few minutes and flip it. Kabang!! The pizza stone exploded into several large pieces flying at me like sharpnel in a war zone. I duck and cover and stand up only to see the quesodilla in flames on the stove. I grapped an oven mit and run cold water to put the flame out. Then I grapped the scalltering pieces of the pizza stone and start running cold on the stone. I swear to you folks one piece flew about seven feet. Needless to say there is a nice new burn markon the linolium and the piece that flew seven feet scortched a throw rug Larry got in Mexico!!

Yesterday Was Nuts

2009-04-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

Santa Cruz's matto is "Keep Santa Cruz Weird" but Yesterday was NUTS!!, People internet service, cell phone service and credit card machines were all out of order. To top it all off a friend calls me up to tell me he's had an erection ever since he woke up. I asked him if he took viagra or anything generic or any other drugs. He told me he didn't do anything. I really hope he went to the E.R. to get that problem serviced!!

The Thank You E Mail For Doing The Documentary

2009-04-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mikey,
I wanted to write to tell you THANK YOU for doing the interview with us yesterday. You had some truly great things to say, and I'm so glad that you can share your atory with even more people than before.

Also, I wanted to let you know the actual date and time of the showing: May 9th from 11:30 am to 2:00 pm at the Riverfront Theater. As far as I know, admission is free, so go ahead and invite all your friends! Our film will be shown with other short-subject (15 minutes or less) documentaries by high school students in YEY, which is why the time in the theater will be so long.

I hope you can make it!

The U.C.S.C Speech

2009-03-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I had an amazing time talking to a class about 100 students about my life living with AIDS. All I can say is I so can't wait to do it again. I don't know who had the better time that day the students or myself. I thought I'd share with you the the speech I gave. It is my story with more to the story which I haven't revealed to my readers. I hope you enjoy reading this speech.

Mikey

Hello my name is Mikey and I’m a person living with AIDS standing before you to tell you my life story. I was born in Lancaster Pa. and my family would be considered upper lower class. My father worked at a watch dial factory and my mother was a stay at home mom whom sometimes had a part time job to help support our family.

When I was a child say between the ages of 6 to 8 years old I knew I was different. I was attracted to other boys but didn’t know what the term “Gay” meant. Back in the late 60’s early 70’s there was no internet to research boys liking boys and I couldn’t tell my parents my feelings. It wasn’t until they asked me at a later time if I was gay and I told them yes. If they were big enough to ask the question then I felt they were big enough to handle the answer.

I was an average student in high school. I joined the gymnastics team and became co captain my senior year. In school I was picked on for being short and was called fag and faggot a lot. After I graduated I stayed in Lancaster for a few years working and then ended up moving to Harrisburg with a friend. I couldn’t find any decent work there that paid and needed money. I finally ended up traveling back and forth to Baltimore where I worked at a gay strip club. The commute was too much and I ended up moving to Baltimore where I met my partner Matthew for nine years at the club where I was working.

Matthew and I moved into with each other and both of us really wanted to move out to California. In June of ’97 Matthew received a job offer out here. We had to pack up all our belongs and be out here in California within a week’s time so he could except the job offer. So both of us moved out here to California with me thinking we were the happy couple and would be together forever.

About 9 or 10 months after we moved to California Matthew broke up with me dating and bring other men back to our home. After awhile I started to date also and Matthew and I lived together for another 7 years until I became sick.

I started dating a guy from the Monterey. I will call him James. I am not really sure if it was James that infected me, but Matthew and I both think it was him. I was totally infatuated with James. He was nice, kind, big hearted, and drove a Porche. He and I had the best sex in my life. Yes we had unprotected sex, but before we did he told me he was negative before we did. I knew I was negative also at the time, (from what I knew of him at that time I didn't think he would lie about his HIV/AIDS Status) I do have to admit some of it was substance enhanced with Meth and poppers. Whoever did infect if it wasn’t James didn’t tell me about their HIV/AIDS status or didn’t know they were positive. One in four people who have HIV/AIDS don’t know they have the virus. I was in the one in four percentage. Now I never shot up, but I did like to smoke. No I was never addicted to drugs as some of you might think. I put up so many barriers and limitations for myself so I wouldn't get addicted.

After we broke up, I was tested for HIV again, and the test came back negative. Little did I know at that time the virus was taking hold of my immune system. That was in 2001.

As the HIV/AIDS virus took hold, I just didn't feel like going out and doing things on my days off. I just wanted to chill in front of the television and relax. My whole life was about working and nothing else. No sex, no entertainment nothing but working, sleeping and eating.

Three years went by and my boss at the time said to me one day "Are you working out or something because you are losing a lot of weight." Little did I know at the time I started to go into what is known as "waisting." I was having these aches and pains and like most people I was thinking "It's just from getting older."

In the beginning of the summer of 2004, I remember something coming out of my mouth. It was a piece of thrush (I didn't know what thrush was at the time). I checked my mouth to see if there was any more in there and there wasn't so I thought "Ok it just some weird onetime thing my body was doing." I never told anyone that I found that piece of thrush until at that time. I didn't know all the symptoms of HIV/AIDS and later I found out the list is as long as my arm.

So September of 2004 comes around and I look like a walking skeleton. Matthew and the people I'm around don't say anything about the way I look, or they were afraid to mention anything to me. I am trying to work, but I had to call in sick a lot and was maybe be able to do 10 hours of work a week.

My weight is down from 140 pounds to about 110 pounds. The thrush had completely taken over my mouth and is partially down my throat. In fact it so bad it is growing on the outside of my mouth. It was very hard for me to talk, let alone eat, and drink anything. When I would cough, big chunks of thrush got stuck in my throat. I had a towel by my bed so when I coughed up the thrush I had something to spit it into. I hid that from Matthew at the time so he wouldn't worry.

I couldn’t pay the rent now form being so sick. I didn't have health insurance for my job didn't offer it, (I was working for a nationwide sandwich chain). The county refused to see me because I couldn't afford the co-pay they wanted due to being so sick, and couldn't see a doctor because of finances and no insurance.

Finally, Matthew asked his doctor in S.F. about what I was going through, and Matthew asked me if I was tested for HIV/AIDS. I said not lately, I haven't slept with anyone since May of 2001. Why would I need to be tested? The last test came back negative.

So on September 30, 2004 I tested positive for the HIV virus. One week before my birthday. When the person told me I burst out into tears right there at SCAP free testing site.. So after I was tested Matthew had himself tested to make sure he wasn't positive since we lived together. He was and still is negative to this day. That night I cried myself to sleep thinking I'm going to die in a few weeks.

So Matthew's doctor tells him I should try to sign up for ADAP (AIDs Drugs Assistance Program). After I tested positive, now the county wanted to do all they could for me. One day before my birthday I see a county doctor. He is asking me all sorts of personal questions I wasn’t ready to answer . He thought I had known I was positive for awhile, I am thinking he's a cold hearted bastard who doesn't care. Again I burst into tears in the doctor’s office.

On October 20 of 2004 I received my first lab results. My viral load was 551,221 and my CD 4 aka as T cell count was 65. Yes, I found out I had full blown AIDS. Again I burst out into tears in the doctor's office. For those of you who don't know the standard right now is anything above a 200 count you have HIV+, anything below that you have full blown AIDS. Even if your T cell goes back above 200 you are still considered a person living with AIDS.

I still can't pay any rent due to not working and my benefits (Unemployment) have not come in yet. I could barely walk to the end of our driveway and back without being exhausted. About two weeks later, someone shows up at the front door. I answered the door and a person hands me an eviction notice from the landlord. Later I found out Matthew told that landlord I was dead. He was quite shoked when he saw me alive and well. Frankly I think I look pretty damn good for a dead person. About this time I started my cocktails.

The Sunday or two before we have to be out, I had to go to the emergency room. I was trying to drink and eat but things are only going half way down and coming right back up and out. I had to have three IV's bags of saline solution to rehydrate me. It seems I was allergic to one of the meds in my cocktail. I couldn't get a hold of the county nurses or the doctors at the time because it was a weekend and the ones on call never returned my messages. I have stopped taking that med and if I do take it again it will kill me.

So the week of Thanksgiving that year, I am made to pack up and move all our belongings with Matthew. Matthew was going to live with at that time with his so called boyfriend. So now I am thinking I am going to be out living on the street.
I thinking I’d be homeless The Santa Cruz Aids Project was able to put me into a HIV/AIDS support house. I lived in that house until the first of February of 2005 when I was evicted again for my benefits had ran out and no one would employee me. After that I lived in another HIV house transitional which this time was run by SCAP till the end of January this year.

I truly feel that the Santa Cruz AIDS project saved my life and I try to give back to them as much as I can. I try to volunteer for them as much as possible. I’m here today speaking in front of you today for them.

My life has truly changed since I found out I have AIDS. Have seen the effects of the cocktails on my body and deal with their side effects daily. I try do out online outreach on the internet when I’m feeling up to it. I try to educate what it’s like for one man to live with AIDS. I am now at a point in my life where I want to date again and maybe have a partner and finding out that people (gay or straight) don’t want to have partner who has HIV/AIDS. They would rather stay ignorant then learning about safe sex which the Santa Cruz AIDS Project’s educational department strives toward. So I say to all of you in here today. Applaud yourselves for being the educated and learning about HIV/AIDS. Applaud yourselves for leaning so me like myself aren’t discriminated against for you are the future of HIV/AIDS awareness. Last thing I’d like to say is before I take your questions is… As a whole the general public is more dangerous to someone living with HIV/AIDS then we are to you.

Sittimg On The Dock Of The Bay

2009-01-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

Ok so I wasn't sitting sitting on a dock. It was a rock at the levy at the mouth of Santa Cruz harbor on the Monterey Bay . No I wasn't waisting time there, I was taking a good long look at my life trying to set up a life plan for myself.

I was setting some long term goals for myself. Less then two weeks ago, I didn't even think I had a future now I have goals. I will share some of my goals and thoughts with you now.

First and foremost is for me to stop being and playing the part of the victim in this thing we call life. I've been knocked to the gutter too many times in life that I'm tired of being knocked to the gutter. I now have a chance of a new lease on life and to hit more goals.

These others are not in order

To restart educating what's it like living with AIDS and educating on the web about HIV/AIDS. Know this my friends this one I really, really, had to think. Did I want to help people or did I just want the recognition? The recognition for my work would be nice but helping people is more important then the recognition and who knows that may come when the time is right. This might take sometime till I can get internet and a land line set up at the place I'll be staying. Yes my friends I'll be off line for a little while at my new place but will try to go to some place to update you on my status.

To find a partner to love. I'm tired of being single and would love to have someone to share and get my life experiences. Someone who will appreciate me for who I am.

To handle things in a more timely matter. I'm a procrastinator.

To start up my massage practice. It is one of the ways for me to earn money.

To go to Hawaii for a vacation by January 2011. The last vacation I really had was back in 1997 when my ex and myself went to L. A. when we were thinking about moving to California. Holy shit Mr. Peabody, we need to turn back the wayback machine!!

These are a few of the life goals I set for my yesterday and I hope to fulfill them in a timely matter.

Quitting To Smoke

2009-01-20T11:32:00.001-08:00

One of the conditions of moving into my boss's place is that I stop smoking. My gift to myself will be a laptop when I get some money and I quit completely.

Miracle Do Happen / Major Emotional Roller coaster ride

2009-01-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

OMG the last 24 hours has been a major emotional roller coaster ride for me. As you readers know, I thought I has going to be homeless at the end of the month. Well a miracle happened my dear readers. I went over to see my ex boss and he told me that since he was unable to rent the room he has available he would allow me to move into that room.

Call it karma, a miracle, God or the universes intervention or what not, I'm so grateful I'm not going to be homeless. He wanted a tentent that he could really trust and he trust me completely. There are only two conditions for me to move in with him. One of the conditions is I find a good person to seek help for he believes I might have A.D. D. since all my life I've had focus issues. The second condition is that I quit smoking ciggerettes. I've been running around making phone calls about "The Patch", changing my address since I found out I'll have a place to stay.

If anyone ever tells you, miracles don't happen in this world, (pardon my french) you can tell them to go fuck themselves!! This one, short, little gay man living with AIDS is proof that miracles do happen and I still believe miracles do happen for me and anyone else out there. They may not see the miracles happen but they are out there. Now I'll have time to breath again, get my head one straight, and time to sort out my life.

Traumatized / Soon To Be Homeless

2009-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

Isn't it amazing when we look back in life that effects of all our lives. This month two traumatic events popped up for me that changed my life and then I put them in back of my mind. The first was when my mother and I were hit by a car. My mother threw me out of the way of the car or I would have been killed. My brother and myself were forced to live with two of my aunts as my mother recouped from I broken hip. I was pissed at my dad forcing us to live with the aunties!! I just wanted to live in our own house and felt that my dad didn't trust my brother and myself to be by ourselves.

The second was when my mother had a melt down at my grandmother's funeral. She bursted out in tears, crying over my grandmother's casket accusing my grandfather of murdering my grandmother. After that episode, it took me years to be able even to go into the town my grandparents lived. In fact I was so traumatized every time we drove into the town, I would lay my head down in the car so I would have to deal with the emotions I felt on the day of my grandmothers funeral. It took me years to be able to hold my head high in that town. Just a few years ago my mother revealed what an abusive person my grandfather was to everyone in his life including my mother and my aunts.

I maybe homeless at the end of the month unless a miracle happens. You see I've been battling sevear depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for the last 6 months. I've delt with my mother having a heart attack, then double open heart bypass surgery and now her breast cancer. I've also been dealing with my low G. I. issues from having AIDS and been trying to communicate for years to my doctor how bad the lower G.I. effect my life. It's so bad that every time I eat I'm on the toilet 2 to 6 times after I eat in a hour and a half after eating. It took my county nurse to come over to the place I live and see the splashes on the toilet to see how bad the chronic diarrhea really is. It effects my life so bad that I'm afraid to go out of the house unless I know I'm going to a place where a toilet is located. I've also had rectal bleeding during this time period that's why I had the colonoscopy and my doctor finally after years of telling finally got what I've been trying to tell him.

Then in July I've lost my job due to the economic crisis in this country and I've been trying to find a job. I've filled out applications but I couldn't even get a job interview. I've almost given up all hope at this time. The AIDS project has given me enough time in this house but I don't think they even saw the economic crisis we are in now and they are going to put me out on the street to make way for a new client. I'm scared and petrified at this time. So I'm saying to the universe, God, the higher being please help me in my time of crisis!!!

Hate Life Right Now

2008-12-17T10:47:00.001-08:00

I can't find a job at the moment

I'm about ready to have my phone and internet turned off

My friend has to be out of the house Jan 6 and I have too be out Jan 31 and I'm afraid I'll be living in the streets

I don't have money for food and need to reapply for food stamps and Ga

I don't have money to get people gifts this year for Christmas

I'm suffering from depression and anxiety

My life truly sucks at this time!!

Dear Santa

2008-12-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
All I wanted this year was a medium quality laptop and a vacation to somewhere nice. Now since I've lost my job, all I want is a job in which my symptoms of AIDS doesn't interfere, money for my food, prescriptions and a place to live since I have to move by January 31st.

With this recession I can't find anyone to employ me and I'm finding companies locking their front doors so you can't even get in to fill out applications for their companies. With nearly 2 million people out of work there are far and few jobs on the market which I qualify and a have my health, age, and race working against me.

Haven't I taken enough major hits this year and deserve a few miracles at this time? Now I also need a new optical mouse for my computer. The optical mouse my rooomie gave me to use shorted out and I'm using a roller ball mouse again. I don't want a cordless one for you always need to buy batteries for them.

Please Santa here my prayers and let some miracles happen in my life and I can find happiness again.

Yours truly,
Mikey

Thank You Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida For Voting On Legalized Discrimination!!

2008-11-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

I don't get political on my blog very often but I can not keep my mouth shut on what happened in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida yesterday. Here it is 2008, we just voted the first Afro American president in office and yet we as a country we still discriminate on religious beliefs.

You see Arizona, California, and Florida voted to ban gay marriage yesterday. the totals are as follows:

Arizona- Yes 56% No 44%

California-Yes 52% No 48%

Florida- Yes 62% No 38%

I know the ads here in California that wanted gay marriage banned was nauseating. They used religion and children as fear factors to get people to vote for the ban. Now the truth be told I don't really care if it's called marriage or a civil union as long as gay couples can have the same rights as everyone else and become legalized partners. Let the right wing conservatives have the term MARRIAGE but let us have our CIVIL UNIONS.

Now this one really got my nickers in a up roar. The State of Arkansas banned gay couples from adopting children 57% to 43%. I don't understand when people want to adopt unwanted children that they should be denied. Why should they be banned when they want to give a child a better life outside an orphanage? Are the religious, right wing conservatives going to adopt these children? If they do will they teach them bigotry and hatred? To this one blogger, yesterday showed just exactly how far the religious right wing will go to teach discrimination against gays getting married and adopting children!!

Colonoscopy

2008-10-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

So after waiting for four months, I finally had my colonoscopy. Needless to say I really had a hard time with the prep for my procedure trying to find out why I had rectal bleeding.

So Monday I prepped for my colonoscopy using Halflytely. You take two pills then wait to you go number two then you have to try to drink 2 liters of their solution 8 oz. every 10 minutes.

When I got 3/4 of the crap down I started to get sick to my stomach. So late Monday night early Tuesday morning I started to hurl. I must have blown chunks 5 or 6 times plus squirting out my bottom.

When I got to the place where I got my procedure, I told them everything I was going threw. They told my not to worry and everything would be fine. I was scared as hell they would find colon cancer or something else major.

After four months of worrying, my examine was normal. There are a few funny things that happen at the surgery center where I had my colonoscopy. The first is they told me that they were going to give me something that give me amnesia I thought they said milk of magnesia and said I could take it because it would block my meds. Second when they were taking out the I.V. I kept saying I need to use the bathroom. They said well we're worried about your hand squirting blood. I said " I'm not worried about my hand I'm worried about my ass squirting!!" And now for the topper!! Since I really couldn't keep anything down two of my meds. didn't dissolve and they saw them in my colon. When I awoke, they gave me a picture of the two meds. in my colon. I will say my bottom is sore tonight from the colonoscopy!!

Depression Or Dat Dare Be DaTale

2008-10-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

For the last few weeks, I have been battling major bouts depression. Not knowing which my life is going is scaring the crap out of me. With the job market and economy spiraling down, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it in this world. My depression is so bad that they put me on happy pills. I know I need to get out of this funk but I'm not sure which way to turn.

I know I haven't posted for awhile but I need to tell you about a possum. A few weeks ago I wrote a note to my roomies stating something was trying to live in our outside washroom. On the night of my birthday (which sucked this year) my Jamaican roomie comes in to the house and screams "Dare be someding in the washroom!!"

We both headed out to the outside washroom where we do our laundry. I looked behind the counter out there and what did I see? A possum's tail sticking out. "Look Dare, dat be da tail" the Jamaican yelled. I said lets leave it alone and see if it will come out on its own.

We kept checking to see if it would come out on it's own but it didn't. So we had to pull out the cabinets. With the Jamaican in his nelly phase on top of the counter and me on the floor with a broom, we had to shove it out the door for the animal was just as scared at us as we were of him.

I learned a few things that night. First, no matter how fugly something is, I didn't have that thing in human beings that could kill an animal. The second is the possum was making a nest out of bamboo leaves in our washroom so it could live there for the winter. Third is I do well in crisis mode then freak out afterwords. The Jamaican and I laugh about how nelly we both were that night but we both know we did the right thing by not killing the poor animal. I'm sure if this happened at Sarah Palin's house the outcome would have been different with the animal being dead.

4 Years And Speach

2008-09-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

Today is the 4 year anniversary of finding out I had AIDS. As A gift to you all here is a speech I gave back in June. A special shout out to Paul for posting this so I can see how I did.

Enjoy
Mikey

A Comedy Of Errors

2008-09-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

So this morning was an absolutely comedy of errors. I was suppose to be on my way home today from my friend Jules house but couldn't find my ticket home. You see I must have left the book I was reading on the bus (in which had my ticket in it)in Jules' husband's car. He left for a meeting in southern California yesterday with my ticket still in the car and I forgot the book was there. The bus station here doesn't open till 9:00 am and the bus I need leaves at 7:25 am. The only other bus today that leaves here is at 5:25 pm and doesn't arrive in Santa Cruz till 1:00 am in which I'm not willing to do.

Also Remy got wrong information for his meeting and left a day early for southern California. If he would have gotten the correct information, I'd have ticket home with no drama. I think why I left the book in his car was because things were hectic when I arrived in Modesto. The good thing about this comedy of errors is I'll be spending another day with the people I love.

A Question

2008-09-25T10:12:00.001-07:00

Do you think medias 24/7 coverage of all these crisis issues making everything worse?

Labs Results

2008-09-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I got my lab results yesterday. It had good and bad news. The good news was my cd4 aka T cells are 474 which dropped only 14 points from the last lab results. My viral load is undetectable which was also good news. Now for the bad news, my cholesterol and lipids are off the charts and my urine had protein in it which means my kidneys are working too hard. The high cholesterol and lipids can cause kidney and pancreatic damage. The doctor is prescribing to medications to counter act these two problems. He is also changing one of my antivirals for I can't take the diarrhea problem anymore. I need to live life other then just sitting on the toilet.

814 Billion

2008-09-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot not keep my mouth shout on this issue. I herd on CNN last night that the government has giving 814 billion dollars to these failed institutions. To me, that's giving the CEO's of these companies a free house, and spending money in their severance packages which I feel they shouldn't receive. That's the government rewarding them for not doing their jobs correctly. It's being rewarded where as us low life Americans would have been fired and tried for fraud, deception, and treason against the American public if we pulled the same stunts these CEO's pulled off on this country.

I'd like to tell the politicians that I'm a failure too. I'm struggling just to survive. I haven't reached one major goal in any part of my life in which I set for myself when I was younger. All my hopes and dreams have been crushed, stifled, dashed over the years. Even the smaller goals I set for myself this year I'm not going to be able to obtain. Do you have any idea what you've been putting me thru the last few months. I'm broken down mentally and physically at this time. I've lost hope in everything and see no way out. Now when are you going to give all of us a break?

Don't All Voters Know.....

2008-09-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

Without congressional support, whoever we choose as the next president isn't going to get anything done?

5150

2008-09-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

So as I have written on this blog, I've been laid off from job and dealing with the state trying to get my benefits and other things in order. Well I've been jumping threw all their hoops and things still aren't in order. Every time I do everything they want me to they come up with another barrier I have to get over.

Needless to say, they have me so stressed out, frustrated, angry, and depressed that I'm about ready to check myself in the local hospital under a 5150. A 5150 is a mental break down!! To give you some idea of what I've been dealing I'll give you a few details.

The first is about three and a half weeks ago I tried to sign up for food stamps. Well yesterday I got my food stamp card and they put money on it so I can buy food. Yes they put the money on the card but the forgot to activate the card so I can buy food. Now I have to wait till Monday and go back to the state and have them activate the card so I can buy food.

Now for the hum dinger. Health benefits and A.D.A P (AIDS Drug Assistance Program.) It has taken me taken me three months just to see a colon specialist and I don't see him until the 22nd of this month for the growth in my colon. I went in to renew my benefits at the beginning of this month was told I needed two more documents. WELL!! I got the documents, went back in yesterday, and the computer spit out two more things for me to do till I get my A.D.A.P. Believe it or not one of them was a form they wanted the people the run my house to fill out. DON'T tell me I need a letter from the people that own the houser and then give me the form for them to fill out after you've been faxed the letter you wanted in the first place. They are sooo screwed up in that office that I'm going to say it again, they have me soo spinning right now I feel like I'm about to have mental break down.

Oh and now to top off everything off, one of my case workers at the state is on medical leave for a month as of two days ago and no one informed me of her leave. All the work we've been doing for the last month is down the tubes. I have to start a lot of things all over again with a new case worker till she gets back. All I have to say is "I'm ready for my prozac Mr. Demille!!"

Form Letter

2008-09-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

As I posted on my blog a few days ago, I wrote a message to Obama and Biden. Well I did get a response but it wasn't the response I was looking forward to hearing. It was a form letter. UGHHH! So here's the form letter for everyone to read.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for contacting me about our health care crisis. When 47 million
Americans have no health insurance and families and businesses are strained to
the breaking point, we know it's time for a change. This must be a top
national priority, and that's why I have introduced a plan to provide every
American with comprehensive, affordable, and portable coverage during my first
term as President.

I encourage you to read more about my plan, and watch the video of my health
care speech here:

http://www.barackobama.com/issues/healthcare/

I have the experience of bringing people together that's needed to
accomplish this goal. But it will take millions of voices united for change to
overcome the forces that have prevented meaningful health care reform in
Washington for so long. So take action. Thousands of Americans have sent in
their ideas and stories on health care and other policy issues through the My
Policy web tool, and I hope you will do the same through the link above.

To see more details of the plan, click here:

http://www.barackobama.com/issues/pdf/HealthCareFullPlan.pdf

I am committed to covering everyone, and I hope you will join me in this fight.

Sincerely,

Barack Obama


I would have liked a more personal reply. but it's alright I did get an answer.

Stressed

2008-09-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to comment on a comment about the bulletin I posted "Republicans And AIDS" on MySpace. The comment asked if I was drunk/drugged/tired? The answer is tired/ very drained and VERY stressed out. So many negative things have happened in the last few months I can't even think straight. I'm hoping things turn around very soon. So that's the answer and I'm sorry this blog was a short blog.

Republicans And AIDS

2008-09-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter To Senators Obama and Biden

2008-08-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Senators Obama and Biden,

My name is Mikey and about 4 years ago I found out I had AIDS and always will and not just HIV. Over the last four years, I have seen benefits and funding cut for people living in this country but have seen funding for people living with HIV/AIDS overseas get their funding increased. I lost my job a month ago due to the "Countrywide Mortgage" mess and I'm about ready to go on food stamps. I'm not eligible for ssi/ssd due to my number being good.

The only things I wanted in life this year was to get a high performance "Product Red" Laptop so I can get off my desk and see the world and still educate on the web, and the real world what's it's like living with AIDS.

The other thing I wanted was nice vacation to relieve some of the stress I have been under living with AIDS the last for years and now a growth in my colon that took 3 months for me to a specialist. Now due to this broken government both those hopes and dreams have been crushed.

I'll admit, I was miffed when you didn't pick Mrs. Clinton as you V.P. running mate and was going to go independent. After seeing your acceptance speech on Thursday you should me why I should vote for you.

What I'd like to know is what you are going to do for people in this country for people living with HIV/AIDS? I'd like to know how your going to fix the "Countrywide" mess so I get my job back to I can get that laptop I want and a vacation I so dearly need? I know I won't hear from you but I'd love to hear some answers in your campaign speeches. If you like to see my work I'm on myspace at www.myspace.com/mikeysantacruz.

I hope to get some answers soon and know what you are going to do about my questions.

Thank you
Mikey

Google

2008-08-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a quick posting. There is soooo much that has happened in my life from my last posting I don't know where to start. Mom's doing fine after her double by pass surgery, I finally got the authorization to see the colon specialist, things aren't going well in the house right now. One of the roomies has everyone pissed off at him. On top of everything else I don't feel well today and have lots to do.

What I really wanted to tell everyone today is to Google you screen name. I did coming across this little tid bit. Needless to say I nearly wet myself laughing. Enjoy the tip and have fun.

The Wait Game aka Mother and Me

2008-06-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

So my mom had her surgery this morning. Now all I can do is wait to see if she has any complications for her double by pass surgery. My sister informed me that she's doing well and is hooked up to all types of monitors and gadgets. Being 3000 miles away is difficult but I'm handling it the best I can as of now.

I'm also waiting for the state's permission for seeing a colon specialist for myself. Sometimes it takes the state so long to approve issues that it gets annoying. Right now I'm stressed out and frustrated beyond belief. I truly despise that waiting game. I need to have something wonderful happen in my life right now.

Kaboom: My Life Has Exploded

2008-06-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

For the last several weeks I feel my life feels like a kaboom. My life has exploded and not for the best. First is my boss's mother past away a few weeks ago. He handled it quite well and is dealing better with her passing each day.

Then we ended up changing salon because we out grew our room. That move took a few days but I can say our clients love the new place. I'm still getting use to the new details plus it's going to take a few weeks to fine tune everything in the new location.

About a week and a half ago, my mother had a major heart attack and nearly died in a grocery story. They kept her for awhile then released her from the hospital. Now she's back in the cardiac unit and is going to have open heart by pass surgery. I'm concerned about her and her age having this surgery. The surgery is going to take place on Monday.

For the past several weeks, I've had a little rectal bleeding. Knowing I was going to see my doctor in a couple weeks I held off talking to him till I saw him. Well, he did a rectal examine and felt a growth. He is going to be sending me to a colon specialist to see what's going on with my butt.

My labs dropped a little from the last set of labs. My Cd 4 (T cell count) went from 608 to 488 but my viral load went from 62 to 49 which means I'm undetectable which is good. With all that's going on in my life I haven't done too much HIV/AIDS education. Like I said "Kaboom!!! My life has exploded!!!" I will get back to educating on here and MySpace when things settle down. So please bare with me readers I'll be back educating again soon.

Mikey

Speeking At The HCA Rally

2008-06-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry but I'm writing this posting being very tired from a long day. Tuesday morning I spoke at the Human Coalition Association (HCA) rally against the county budget cuts on behalf of the Santa Cruz AIDS Project. I was shaking so bad that I had to put my speech down on the amplifier. Shaking in my shoes, I still manage to pull off the speech with hardly any screw ups. I'm so proud of myself and can't wait to see it on our local community television station.

Most of you know I want to public speak what it's like find out and living with HIV/AIDS. The executive director of SCAP came up to me and told me how proud she was of my speech. She also informed me that I would do more public speaking on SCAP's behalf and no one ever spoke that passionately for Scap. So here are two pictures from the rally and the speech I gave that day. I hope you enjoy them.

Mikey

Part of the crowd at the rally.

Me giving my speach into a mic and amp powered by peddle power.

Now here's the speech I gave that hit a home run.

Hello Santa Cruz HCA supporters, Santa Cruz tax payers, and the Board of Supervisors. My name is Mikey and I’m a client of the Santa Cruz AIDS Project speaking against the proposed budget cuts. My story is one of many in this county of someone living with HIV/AIDS.

I would like to share a little of my story and how the Santa Cruz AIDS Project has helped save my life and helped me have a better quality of life.

Back in the summer of 2004 my weight was quickly dropping and I developed an opportunistic infection known as thrush. I wanted to see a doctor but being as sick as I was, I was unable to work, had no income, and the county’s co-pay was too expensive so I was unable to get medical attention.

At the end of the summer of 2004 when I was only 110 pounds and had thrush so bad it was growing on the outside of my mouth, my roommate suggested that I get tested for HIV. On September 30, 2004 I went the Santa Cruz AIDS Project and tested HIV positive.

Devastated and not knowing where to turn, I went to SCAP for help. SCAP was able to help me get the benefits and medical attention I so dearly needed at the time. On October 20, 2004 Not only did I find out I was HIV positive, but that I had full-blown AIDS-- today I am still someone living with AIDS.

As I said, at this time period I was extremely sick and couldn’t work. My roommate and I were served an eviction notice. I would have been homeless at that time if it wasn’t for SCAP. SCAP was able to help me stay at a hotel for a week, and then they placed me in a HIV/AIDS support house.

During my first year of trying to get healthy, SCAP provided me food from their food box program. They helped pay for medications not covered under the AIDS Drugs Assistance Program. They also helped me cover a portion of my rent. After my state benefits ran out and no one would employ me, SCAP placed me in a transitional house where I still need to live today.

Over the past 3 ½ years I have seen many programs cut from SCAP. Such as their Give-a Ride-program that helped clients get to and from their medical appointments. I have seen their Food Box program dwindle over the last several years from lack of funding and donations.

Now other programs are in jeopardy because of the upcoming budget cuts such as SCAP’s Education and Prevention program. 4,500 HIV prevention contacts shouldn’t be sacrificed because of these budget cuts. Will SCAP be able to help these clients like they were able to help me?

I believe that everyone who is in my predicament should be able to have the same services given to them that I was offered by the Santa Cruz AIDS Project. So I say to the Board of Supervisors: you may think that this budget cut is best for everyone but it’s not. You may think you are just dealing with money but you’re not-- You are dealing with peoples’ lives and their quality of life.

footnote: The speech was tweeked a little bit from someone at SCAP for time

The Real World

2008-06-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

I've been busy in the real world the last few weeks. Here's a list of some of the things I've been doing.

1- Worked the AIDS walk

2- Did a T V interview

3- We are changing salons within the next two weeks

4- Work

5- Spoken at an AIDS volunteer training

6- Running and designing a myspace page for the AIDS project.

7- Going to a gay mens group once in awhile.

8- Working at Gay pride

9- Now I've been asked to help design 2 more myspace pages for the AIDS project.

I'm freakin busy don't you think.

Drama

2008-05-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have been dealing with some MAJOR drama for the last few weeks and everything came to a head this past weekend.

1. My bosses mother is dying and they don't give her long to live.

2. The salon owner and my boss are having issues which they can't work out.

3. The other two roomies were arguing all weekend.

4. I was mowing the lawn and clipped a water and gas line to our house. (Their both fixed now.)

Wildfire

2008-05-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

vlog: Update

2008-05-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

I Would Never Have Thought

2008-05-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

I would have never thought my life would be like it is today. Always struggling to make it in this harsh world. Always having to worry now about my health, and finances. Always having to fight bouts of depression every few months. (I'm going threw a very bad spell right now being unmotivated to do any.) Not having a partner, or a car or a high paying job.

I would have never thought I would be in a "Catch 22" situation where I'm afraid to make too much money and loose more health benefit. Right now it feels to me that my life is on hold waiting for the wall to a fulfilled life is not.

Growing up I wanted and believed in the gay American dream. I wanted that life partner, a nice home to call my own, a nice car or two in our driveway. I would never have thought I would be living at or below the poverty level in this country.

Like I said I have been battling depression the last few weeks. I find it hard just to get out of bed handling life's situations. I could use some very good miracles right now. I'm tired at this point of my life fighting for anything and everything. I need to find the fun loving, motivated self again.

I Was Asked.....

2008-05-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks I was asked certain questions in which I would like to respond. One of the question was asked by my boss. He asked me "Why do you want a laptop so badly?" When you spend hours and hours on your computer doing work it limits your time going out into the real world. Sometimes I'm over whelmed staying in my bedroom doing research and what not. Having a laptop would open up the possibility for me to go out and do my research plus open up an opportunity for me to meet people.

Another question I was asked was "Don't you ever get tired of doing HIV/AIDS education?" The answer to this questions is yes. Sometimes I feel I just want to runaway from my own self and not have to deal with HIV/AIDS. If you have noticed, I've taken a small break from educating. I've been contemplating what my next step is to educate people about HIV/AIDS. Sometime, I hope to get more recognition for my educating about living with AIDS outside of my very small tightly close nit group. I hope one day this small town, this large state and this wonderful country will know what I'm trying to achieve educating about living with AIDS. I don't have this wish just for myself, I also have the wish for this person too.

Busy

2008-04-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

Here are just a few things I've been doing the last week and a half.

Worked at the local AIDS walk.

Volunteered at the local AIDS organization doing on-line outreach.

Had an interview with two San Jose State students

Went to the local Queer Youth Awards

Did on-line research for my boss.

You Know You Are In Trouble When.....

2008-04-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Your ass and nose are running at the same time!! Baaa haaa haaa

Break

2008-04-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a few more days break from blogging. I'll see you all next week!!

Mikey

Rough Spell

2008-04-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

I thought my rough spell would start next week but I was wrong. You see, it started yesterday at work. Within the first two hours of work I found out my boss might have another kidney stone. Then a former boss who now is friend of mine told me her mom died Tuesday night. Needless to say it was a tough day.

The reason I thought my rough spell would start next week is my boss is going to the yearly transsexual convention next week. Then the end of the following week, he is going to Chicago to teach a class at the annual trichotillomania convention. After that he is going to visit his mother who's health is not very good.

So for the next few weeks, I'm only going to be working two days a week and losing a lot of income. I have to figure a way to come up with my rent, along with other bills including getting my medical cannabis for sleep. BTW medical cannabis is VERY expensive to purchase. I'm just trying to figure out how to get along financially plus try to save up for a new laptop.

Can One Person Make A Difference?

2008-04-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

So here's what I've been up to lately. I've e mailed one of our congress persons asking them to make December AIDS Awareness month. Most of you know that I feel HIV/AIDS has become too complacent here in the states. Can one person in the public sector make a difference in many peoples lives? I think they can by taking action going to the next step. I was going to bore the senator with all types of HIV/AIDS statistic and then thought they should already have that knowledge.

I kept my e mail short and sweet and here it is for all to read. I just pray that this proposal comes to pass. Enjoy my e mail to the senator.

Senator X,
As a person who was diagnosed with AIDS and not just just having HIV 3 1/2 years ago, what would it take for congress to make December AIDS awareness month?

In my humble opinion, the mentality here in the states has become too complacent about HIV/AIDS. The general public attitude is HIV/AIDS is a disease that's manageable and yet there are deaths daily in this country from HIV/AIDS along with opportunistic infections from HIV/AIDS.

As a congress person, I'm sure you are well aware of the latest HIV/AIDS statistics and I will not inform you of the latest statistics. I'm also sure you know that HIV/AIDS is still very prevalent in this country.

Now as a person living with AIDS educating about what it's like living with AIDS on his blogs and Myspace, I would like to know if you'd be willing to propose that December becomes AIDS awareness month. December seems like the logical choice since World AIDS day is the first of that month.

I look forward to hearing your input in this matter that we can further educate and slow down the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

Sincerely,
Michael (Mikey) last name here

Proposal: A HIV/AIDS Awareness Month

2008-04-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't posted lately is I've been super busy, and this is going to be a short posting too. I've been doing a lot of work online for my job and creating a proposal. I'm in the starting stages of trying to do research wanting to find the correct facts on different diseases that already have an awareness month. I'll be sending this e mail to one of California's U.S. senators asking them to propose for December to be HIV/AIDS Awareness month with World AIDS Day being the first day of that month. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get this proposal just right. I think this is my next step in educating about HIV/AIDS.

You Pretend To Create And Observe

2008-03-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

There is a part in the Broadway show RENT which goes:

Roger:

From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie

yes, you live a lie tell you why

you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive

you pretend to create and observe

when you really detach from feeling alive

Mark:

Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

Roger:

Poor baby

Right now I feel like I'm detach from feeling alive. I create and observe and try to educate, I work, eat, and sleep but right now there are zero emotions. I feel like I'm the above argument. I'm not saying I'm a cold hearted bitch right now but I need to learn how to feel again.

So many negative things have happened to me since I moved to California I might be traumatized closing my heart to everything and everyone. I feel like I'm putting up a false front with everyone so they don't knowing the true me.

I feel like I'm empty almost being in a robotic mode living my life. Going threw my paces but not truly feeling, not knowing what life has in store, not truly living. I will let you know the past 3 and something years have kind of sucked with trauma.

I don't know what it's going to take from me to truly to start to live. For now I'll stay in my robo mode till I can figure out where the next road takes me in life's journey.

The Bathroom Bowl Blues

2008-03-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

I really think my blogs shouldn't be Poz Mikey, I think they should be My Life On The Toilet. Yes I'm going to humble myself today saying, I have diarrhea, the shitz, the Hershey squirts, the runs, the bathroom bowl blues whatever you want to call it 24/7. One of my antivirals known as Kaletra is infamous for this problem.

It's becoming more of an issue everyday. Yes, sometimes I do not make it to the bathroom on time and I have accidents. One of the things you may not know about me is that I carry a spare pair of undies in my backpack at all times should I have an accident away from home.

Every time I have one of these accidents, I get really emotional and shook up. This is one of the main reasons I'm afraid to travel too far away from home. People have given me options and I'm still trying a few so I can crap redwood trees.

Dear Universe

2008-03-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Universe,
They say you don't get what you want unless you put your wishes out to you. So I am humbling myself today asking for your universal energy to grant my needs, wants, and desires, and wishes.

Continued Good Health Living With HIV/AID

A Laptop So I Can Get Out Of My Bedroom- I would love the Dell (RED) campaign laptop but any new laptop would do

A Speaking Group So I Can Go To Schools And Educate About HIV/AIDS

A Vacation - I really need to get the hell out of Dodge for a few days

A New Flat Screen Television - February 9th next year everything goes digital

A New Specialize Street Bike - My bike is alright but it needs a tune up and a new seat

A New Bedroom Set - I'm tired of black lacquer set living with it for sooo many years

A New Place To Live Where I Can Be Myself And Be Affordable For Me To Live - I may have to move in six months because I live in a HIV/AIDS transitional house and I'm scared I won't find a place I can afford

To Go Skydiving

A Partner- I hope he cums soon hehehehehe

So there you are Universe please grant me my wants, desires, wishes, and dreams. It is only with your help that they will come into my life.

Yours truly,
Mikey

PS I have tried to contact a few computer companies for a laptop for a donation. Since I educate about HIV/AIDS in the private sector no one will donate a laptop since I'm not a non-profit.

A Disturbing But True E Mail: Proud To Be White

2008-03-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to talk about HIV/AIDS, or my job today and what not with all the controversy about Barak Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Don Imus, and Michael Richards over the last few months and racism. I read below the following e mail and thought "WOW, this is sad but true!!"

The following words are not my words and I don't use some of these words:

PROUD TO BE WHITE

How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.

And then there are just Americans

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me White boy, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, Caveman. And that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink...

You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP. You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) — We'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day — You would call us racists.

If we had White History Month — We'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance OUR lives" — You would call us racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.

Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were a "White college" THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching For your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,

You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride.

You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society. You call him a racist.

I am proud and white.
But, you call me a racist.

Ever wonder...

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Like I said those were not my words.

The above passages shows just how far we need to go to end racism, segregation, and discrimination. I'm just wondering where standards stops and truths be known. I know if a black person was denied something on there race (which they shouldn't,) you would see Reverend Al Sharpton and Reverend Jessie Jackson all of CNN. When are they going to speak up about a white person being denied wanting to go to one of the over 60 black colleges in this country?

This country is over two hundred years old. This country needs to grow up and get back to basics like our forefathers. Our founding fathers stated "All men our created equal." I want to take it a step further saying "All people are created equal no matter what their race, sexual preference, men, women, ect!!"

Call me idealistic I don't care. I feel that Black, White, Asian, whatever history should all be taught equally and black history month abolished. It really burned my butt when I found out that on February 7 was black AIDS day. How can we as a society get past segregation when we want everyone to be equal but yet we are segregating, classifying ourselves in different categories all the time. There is only one classification for ourselves, WE ARE AMERICANS. I'm proud to say "I'm a proud, white, gay male living with HIV/AIDS who would date any gay male of any race (as long as they are cute!!)

I Believe

2008-03-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was watching a movie and a line struck very close to home. It's a line that has been repeated many times in history and I believe in this saying. The line went "One man can change the world." If this line is true, it gives me great pleasure and new insight for me educating about HIV/AIDS.

I know already I have helped a few people living with this disease and educated other people. I also believe that I got this disease to educate and on the world wide web. With all the tyranny and injustice in this world I do believe on person can make a difference inspiring others to make a difference.

I would love to be that one man. I just wished I wouldn't have to educate from the computer in my bedroom. I believe one day I'll get a wireless laptop and see the world!!

Special Props

2008-03-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today I need to send out special props to a fellow blogger. Before I reveal who this certain blogger is, I need to tell your a story....

I touched base with my boss on Monday before we started work again on Tuesday. He informs me that I received a letter from Illinois. Well I only know two people from Illinnois. They are Anastasia Beaverhausen and Oprah.

Well things just popped into my head. Things like, "Oh My God, Oh My God Oprah wants to interview my on the work I'm trying to do educating on my blogs!!" Then I thunk "Oh Anastasia Beaverhausen sent me picks of her toddler." Guess what? I was wrong on both accounts!!

Now it's time to give out the special props to Iteach. She sent a card to my work thanking me for my trying to educate about HIV/AIDS. The card said "INC(RED)IBLE" on the outside and (seriously you really ROCK) on the inside of the card. The card was part of the (RED) campaign which Hallmark is now a sponsor.

Second it was a musical card. When I opened the card, the card played Tina Turner's "Simply The Best." For those who really know me know I love Tina Turner. I saw her in concert front row center many years ago. She was one of the few women in this world that gave me an erection. REALLY!!! I"M NOT SHITTING YOU!!

Thank you Iteach very much for the card. You knew two things I love and sent me both.

With Much Love,
Mikey

Admonished And Delete

2008-03-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was admonished by a certain person on a site for people who are positive for my blogs. They didn't care for the word terminal illness and my usage of the term. Granted HIV/AIDS in this country is treatable and not the death sentence as in the past, it is still killing people in the states along with various other conditions due to HIV/AIDS.

I could not find the lifespan expectancy for people living with HIV/AIDS now while researching this posting. I also couldn't find the percentage of people who can't, don't receive treatment for HIV/AIDS. Somewhere I read but couldn't find is life expectancy here in the states went from 2 years of life up to 25 years. Again I can not confirm this as I can not confirm 1 out of 5 people only receive treatment for HIV/AIDS.

Here is a passage of an article I found:

Viewed as a terminal disease just a decade ago, HIV/AIDS is now often characterized as a chronic yet manageable disease. The goal of this study is to assess the perceptions of the course of the disease among persons living with AIDS and their informal support partners and to identify the themes that distinguish the differing perceptions of the epidemic. The findings from this research reveal that 41% of persons living with AIDS and 39% of their informal support partners perceive AIDS as chronic. By contrast, 37% of persons living with AIDS and 39% of the informal support partners perceive AIDS to be terminal rather than chronic.

Among persons living with HIV/AIDS, those with lower levels of education and higher levels of perceived race-based discrimination were significantly more likely to view AIDS as a terminal rather than chronic condition. In addition, informal support partners in poor health were significantly more likely than others to view AIDS as terminal rather than chronic. Content analyses of the qualitative data revealed five broad themes related to the specific perceptions of AIDS, including medications, personal experience, cure, time/eventuality and education. The implications of these findings are discussed.

Bottom line is the controversy rages on weather or not HIV/AIDS is viewed as a chronic illness or a terminal illness.

Now back to the person who admonished me for my blogging and the tone of my blogging. I try to educate all I can dealing with HIV/AIDS. I cross post to the blogging sites that I blog. I know the person who scolded me was not the founder of the site but might have been an original member. In all fairness I can't always blog soft and fluffy saying everything is going to be fine having had three roommates die from HIV/AIDS the first year I was diagnosed.

My passion right now is to educate about HIV/AIDS including the good and the bad. Some of the postings are very hard core like the posting yesterday of people in third world countries raping babies thinking they are going to be cured of HIV/AIDS. In all fairness to me this information needs to be put out to people who are positive and to people who are negative.

I have now deleted my account from that site for I cannot be stifled in my blogging. One friend of mine stated one time "I love your blogging. It has an in your face, this is who I am. take me or leave me tone." So I'll keep posting on Blogger and MySpace trying to educate about HIV/AIDS but you may not always like what I write but I hope you learn more about HIV/AIDS.

The Virgin Cure

2008-03-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

In third world countries there is a belief that sleeping with a virgin will cure sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS. Most of the time these cases involve infants from five months years of age up to young teens. These cases which are considered rape includes both male and female but most of them are female.

This belief stemmed from 16th century Europe all the way to 19th century Victorian England. They believed at that time by sleeping (Raping) a virgin would cure diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea and other STD's. At that time syphilis was terminal as HIV/AIDS is chronic/terminal.

Now a days, the uneducated still practice this belief in third world countries influenced by European culture. Three of the hot spots in this world believing in this practice are South Africa, India and Thailand. They still believe that sleeping with (raping) young children will cure them of HIV/AIDS.

Most of these paedophiliacs are men and they usually are multiple offenders. It is estimated in South Africa alone there is as many as 60 children raped a day. Most of these rapes are family members of the family or who are friends of the family. It should be noted the mother of these rape victims are in there early 20's. It should also be noted that these rapes usually takes place in the mother's place for residence.

Again this shows me the cultural differences of this world. It also shows me the importance of educating about HIV/AIDS and other STD's. Keeping the facts in the forefront of the public mind is one way to slow down the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Footnote- This was one of the hardest postings I have written without being judgmental.

Medical Cannaibis

2008-03-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I started to use medical cannabis. One of the side effects of the antivirals I take is insomnia. I bolt up from sleeping every hour, hour and a half, two hours. Try to function over a three year time period and being yourself with this sleeping condition.

I've talked to my doctor many times on this issue and he has prescribed many different sleeping pills for me to try for my insomnia. Every single one of those sleeping pills has given me a drug induced hangover the next morning. After taking those sleeping pills, I couldn't function for hours after I have awoken from sleep.

Now that I've started on cannabis, I'm sleeping four, five, six hours straight without bolting out of sleep. Here in California, medical cannabis was legalized in 1996 for many medical conditions. There are 11 other states that have passed cannabis for medical conditions. Two other states have passed provisions but not legalizing cannabis for medical reasons. If you would like to see which states passed medical cannabis laws and provisions you can click here. It informs you on the number of plants and usable ounces your are allowed to have in your possession for medical purposes.

I do know people do abuse their cannabis rights. I also know the FDA looks down on the use of medical cannabis cracking down on medical cannabis clubs daily. For me as a person living with HIV/AIDS, I find it useful now just being able to function during the day after having a good nights sleep. In 2005 the Kansas Compassionate Care Coalition published the facts about the use of medical cannabis and HIV/AIDS.

I would also like you to know while researching this blog posting, I came across every single presidential candidate running this year and their views on medical cannabis. If you like to know how your candidate would vote for the use of medical cannabis you can click here.

Until the state of California tells me it's illegal for me to use cannabis, I'll keep using cannabis for sleep so I can function with the daily needs of my life. I'll also hold onto my medical cannabis card for dear life!! To quote Charlton Heston in front of the NRA "They'll only get my medical cannabis card by prying it out of my cold, dead hand!!"

Bug Chasers

2008-03-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I have learned that their is a group of men known as bug chasers. These are gay men who have unprotected sex wanting to contract the HIV/AIDS virus. What is more frightening to me are the "Gift Givers!!" Gay men willing to spread the HIV/AIDS virus to someone who wants HIV/AIDS.

Psychologist suggest the people who are gift givers and bug chasers may have anxiety and self esteem problems. In my opinion, I don't see any good reason for contracting HIV/AIDS. Taking meds everyday, the side effects from the meds, and worrying that your health could turn for the worse any day.

Are the "Gift Givers" so upset that they have the virus that they want everyone to be HIV positive? I don't know, but I have herd of these cases and they don't give a damn to whom they infect.

For me disclosure is everything. I have to be very up front about my HIV status. I want a partner to know that we have to have safe sex so they don't get the virus. If I'm with a partner who is HIV positive, I still want to have safe sex so the virus doesn't mutate becoming drug resistant. As a person who is considered having AIDS no matter how high his T cells are, I find the information disturbing. To read the article on bug chasing you can click here.

Page 5

2008-03-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

One of my friends named Pinky shot me an e mail on myspace about page 5. Something she found on Google images blew her mind. She stated that she came across some crazy ass guy from Santa Cruz being a nut. OMG I'm ROFLMFAO!!

And Still The Band Plays On

2008-03-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

This was a very long and wild week at my job. So Saturday night tired, exhausted, and wanting to hibernate in my room, I slipped the DVD "And The Band Played On" into my DVD player. I have seen this film before but not in the past 3 something years since I was diagnosed with AIDS.

This film is still realivent today, as it was when it was first filmed. The bickering of buerocratic politics and government red tape which continue today in the battle against HIV/AIDS. How the government is complacment about HIV/AIDS now as it was back at the start of the AIDS epidemic in the Regan years. I loved how the showed Regan wouldn't even say the word AIDS till many had died from the virus. Now the republicans think he is a god in this political season since his passing.

Another major poignant part of the film is how the government and health field treated peoples deaths as not cost effective with major corporation attitudes. That lawsuits are more cost effective then saving the lives of people with any disease.

At the end of the film, there is a tribute to people living with and or who died from HIV/AIDS. They showed the role models of that day such as people like Ryan White and his mother Jeanne. Where are the role models for this generation? Where are the celebrities and long time survivors living with HIV/AIDS to keep AIDS in fore front of the public consciousness? In my opinion, they have all faded away only stepping up to the plate on World AIDS Day. Here we are in 2008 and still the band plays on.

It's Better In Writing

2008-02-26T21:54:00.000-08:00

About two weeks ago, the boss and myself had a two hour meeting about the salon. We discussed which way we wanted to talk the salon. My duties to him and to the salon. What he wanted to achieve in the salon. Most of this meeting was him working out the details in his head and me being a sound board.

Well something happened yesterday at work and I went ballistic. I was alone when I had seen what happened and was unable to vent. Finally my boss showed up and I showed him what made me so upset. I even left a nasty gram to the culprit who pushed my last gay nerve.

Last night my boss calls me up asking me to write a list of things I need from the salon and from him. So today we had a 45 minute discussing 13 plus issues I needed to address. We both handled these issues in a very professional demeanor. There was no arguing, tears, shouting at each other as sometimes these meetings rise to out of hand levels.

We are still clearing the other and it won't be cleared for another few days until we have a full staff meeting. He knows where I stand and I know where he stands on the above issues. I'm still not a happy camper yet, but the air was cleared to go further in our working relationship.

EnRaged!!!

2008-02-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

I am so enraged right now that I could spit nails. Yesterday I contacted the Triangle Speakers about talking to schools about being gay and having HIV/AIDS.

This was their response:

Hi, Mikey. I'm responding to your phone call about our training tomorrow.

Our panels speak primarily about GLBT issues, period. Some closely related issues also get discussed, such as family, coming out issues, same-sex marriage, etc. AIDS has certainly been mentioned in passing on panels. But we are not an HIV/AIDS speaker bureau and do not want that to be the focus of any speaker's presentation any more than someone would focus on any other GLBT issue. Our speakers speak from our own experiences; we do not lecture on facts or ideologies.

So I suspect we may not be a good venue for the kind of speaking you would like to do. In case you are interested in "just" speaking on GLBT issues, I am forwarding training details. If you plan to attend, please reply to this and I will send you some advance material that you will need before tomorrow's session.

Either way, thank you for your interest in Triangle Speakers.

I do have HIV/AIDS you fucking idiot. It will be my own experience!! Are they so deft thinking HIV/AIDS is not part of the GLBT community? Are they trying to be so Santa Cruz politically correct that they are ignoring HIV/AIDS? Right now I'm like a tiger in a cage waiting to pounce my claws into the nearest victim who pisses me off. Fuck Santa Cruz and it's being so politically correct. This group must want the spread of the HIV/AIDS virus!!

The Interview And First Step

2008-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my interview with the collage student discussing HIV/AIDS. What I liked about this student was that he came prepared with questions. I helped out another U.C.S.C. student doing an interview and they had no questions in hand and very unprepared.

We were able to use one of the rooms at S.C.A.P. He set up the recording device and we talked for about a hour. He checked the recording device and oopsie it didn't record anything of the interview of the full hour. So he was able to get the device to record and talked about my experience dealing with HIV/AIDS for another hour and a half.

I really love speaking to people about HIV/AIDS. His project is only suppose to be up to eight minutes long. He has a lot of editing to complete and a huge amount of information. He also thanked me for being so open and knowledgeable about HIV/AIDS. Most people in his mind, would have only given yes or no answers to the questions and not be truly open to educate.

I took my first step to public speaking about the HIV/AIDS virus. There is a volunteer, private sector group known as the Triangle Speakers who go out to schools discussing issues in the gay community. I placed a phone call to them asking for more information about public speaking.

Was HIV/AIDS Developed For Bio Warfare?

2008-02-21T09:44:00.000-08:00

My new roomie turned my onto Firefox's stumble. So as a topic, I typed in HIV/AIDS to see what I could find. I happen to come across this government document which talks about HIV/AIDS in 1969-1970 before the epidemic spread worldwide .

I'm not sure how I feel about this document. Is it real or is it bogus. It talks about government funding for the defense department for depopulation from the House Of Representives. All I can say is read this document and judge for yourselves. My emotions are very confused after reading this document.

Oh What A Feeling

2008-02-19T15:50:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy today that I'm as giddy as a school girl in heat. I went to the doctor today to get my lab results. I waited patiently for my doctor to arrive in my room and give me my results. I'm always nervous when I have my labs drawn never knowing when I'm going to take a turn for the worst.

Well my doctor pulled up my numbers and I almost keeled over. He told me my T cells had jumped over 120 points. They are now at 608. This is the first time they have been over the 600 mark. This is almost 10 times what they were a little over three years ago. I started this journey with only 65 T cells.

As for my viral load, it was at 62 which is very good. It's only 12 points from being undetectable. I have been undetectable and this small jump doesn't worry my doctor. He was quite happy with my results. Your viral load is considered undetectable when it is less then 50.

OMG oh what a feeling, I want to do the horizontal dance with someone right now on the ceiling....to celebrate. hehehehehe

And Here's To You...Mikey

2008-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

This has been a truly weird week. It's been so up and down I don't know where to start. Let's see, things that happen to me. My boss and I had a two hour meeting Monday so I didn't get my duties done. I've been playing catch up all week. The videography is going to be an audio and slide show instead of a tape. I made a pot of coffee and forgot to turn on the coffee maker.

Our part time receptionist had carpal tunnel surgery. She showed up at the salon for work. Well I had to the bank for my boss, the receptionist asked if I would take car and fill it up with gas. I took her car and the gas station I was going to go to was closed due to construction. (It wasn't when I rode by in the morning to work. I went to another gas station and gout out of the S.U.V. I went back to the gas tank door and pushed on the side to open the door. It's didn't open so I pushed on the top, the bottom, then the other side. Still the door didn't open. So I took something blunt on her key chain and try to pry it open and still it didn't open. I was thinking "How the hell do you open this gas tank door?" Then it struck me it might have a hinge inside the car cabin. I open the driver door and looked down and there it was in it's full glory. DUH!!

Valentines Day was alright until the last three two hours of work. My boss decided to ride my ass about an issue. He put more duties in my hands and I still haven't gotten my raise from over a year ago. He needs to start throwing me some nice bones like weekly bonus, or getting me some nice stuff if he can't afford giving me a raise.

Right after that, the owner calls asking me when she got back if I would run to our supplier where she was at for they screwed up our order. So I did go back to the supplier getting everything handled.

After I came back from the supply house, my boss had a client in my chair who isn't in my top 10 of favorite clients. She is a 90 year old woman who looks like she's 65 and acts like a 30 year old. Well this LOL PITA (Little Old Lady Pain IN The ASS) started hitting on me. She complimented on how I was dressed. She kept going on and on how cute I was and that she wanted take me home and eat me up (Ewwwwwwwwwwww.) I'm so not into women!! I asked her "Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Robinson?" She just kept going on, and on and would leave me alone. So I kept calling her Mrs. Robinson until I left work.

Then she had the audacity hinting that she wanted me to take her dog for a walk. She also asked me if I liked her dog. (I just kept my mouth shut and walked out of the room. We allowed her to bring her dog into the salon one time. The fucking dog pissed on the floor and I had to clean up the piss. I never told her about the piss.)

After I left the room, I completed my duties and asked my boss if I could leave. He said sure and I changed my clothes and got my ass out of there as fast as I could get my ass out of the salon. Last night I was so pissed, and frustrated. I wanted to go out to bar, get a stiff drink, raise my glass toasting "And here's to you...Mikey! You give and give and get shit upon. You give and give and yet you receive nothing but aggravation in return!!"

Report And Video

2008-02-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I went to the Ryan White Santa Cruz Aids task force meeting. At the meeting, I requested the 2007 report for all the HIV/AIDS statics for the county of Santa Cruz. It arrived today and I have some reading to complete.

I'm also going to be starting the videography next Wednesday. I'm stoked to put the message out on tape about HIV/AIDS even if it is a college project.

Living With AIDS

2008-02-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

I'm still reeling from finding out I'm always going to be considered to having AIDS and not HIV. Saturday night I really could have used someone in my bed holding me all night. I was upset and couldn't sleep, but I never totally broke down for those days are over.

Sunday I went down to work hoping to be alone and do some of my duties. The only major duty I was able to complete was washing some hairpieces for the cancer society. You see the owner was there and going to be there all day doing permanent make-up. She needed to concentrate so she could work on her clients with very little distractions.

I came home from the shop and needed time to think. I finally ended up at the lighthouse by the harbor just watching the bay thinking to myself. (We have two lighthouses here in Santa Cruz.) Sitting there thinking, does this information change my numbers? No!! Does this information change how I feel? No. All this information did was to throw me a nice mental mind fuck.

It might take me a few days to bounce back from knowing I'll always be considered having AIDS. I've bounced back from worse things then this information. One person asked me "How did you manage to go on and not just want to lay down and die?" Some days I truly feel I would love to just lay down and die. All this disease has done is giving me heart ache and pain. Granted, I've been able to help others from educating on the net and the real world. How about something nice for me once? Let it come to me easy too instead of everything always being a fight.

Guest Speaking Part 2, AIDS, Videography

2008-02-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I was a guest client speaker for a Santa Cruz AIDS Project volunteer training. I sat there all day waiting for my turn to talk. I asked the presenters not to disclose my HIV status until I talked. They were nice enough to do so and I learned somethings I didn't know. Even us people who try to educate about HIV/AIDS can always learn from others. Well they were running late and the meeting went over it's time. I was suppose to have a half hour to talk. That was cut down to 20 minutes. I made my presentation in 15 minutes. There were a few important items I wanted cover but missed. I hope the new volunteers got a lot out of my presentation.

One of the things I learned was, when you are diagnosed with AIDS. Meaning your T cells are under 200 you stay an AIDS patient even if your t cells go above 200 like my T cells. I always thought you reverted to being HIV positive and I was wrong in my thinking. So today, I found out technically I'm considered to have AIDS. Needless to say, I had the presenter reiterate that statement. Then I had to walk out of the room from this shocker. So instead of having HIV, I have AIDS. I brought up this shocking point during my presentation.

After the training was over, some people came up to me thanking me for sharing my story. I did my presentation about an hour and a half after finding out technically I have AIDS. One young gentlemen approach me asking if I would be his subject for a videography for a class project. I'm granting his wish to be his subject for his video.

Guest Speaking

2008-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Today I'm guest speaking about my story living with HIV/AIDS at a Santa Cruz AIDS Project volunteer training. I'm so stoked to be public speaking. This ones going to be really fun too. I'm going to be sitting during the whole meeting acting like I'm a new volunteer being in a Jedi mode.

Then the person who is doing the presentation will ask me to get up to speak. In the middle of the presentation I'm doing, I'm going to reveal that I'm HIV positive. This will blow their minds for they will have been sitting in a room with some who's positive not knowing I'm positive. This will sink in and blow their minds. I love my life sometimes. hehehehehe

Community HIV Update

2008-02-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

This morning, I want to do a generic posting on the Community HIV Update forum I attended last last night. This forum was truly something I needed to continue my educating on the net. The person heading the forum placed in prospective, layman's terms the replication of the HIV/AIDS virus. He also informed us how the antivirals work inhibiting replication of the virus, new medical guidelines for starting treatment with antivirals.

Other information he passed on to us were such things as:

Long time survivors having rabid aging

Structured interruptions also known as drug vacations don't work

There are at least four new antivirals being developed soon to be released by the FDA.

I found some other statistics very interesting. According to him, the CDC will soon be releasing that 30 to 60 percent of people living with HIV/AIDS don't know they have HIV/AIDS. This is up from 25 percent not knowing when I was diagnosed. I was one of those people not knowing they had the HIV/AIDS virus.

This statistic blew my socks off. Taking a three drug regiment today, most people have an undetectable viral load in 6 years. With as sick I was when I was diagnosed, (and taking more then three drugs) I have become undetectable in less then 3 years from a viral load of 555,221 and a collapsed immune system (my t-cells were at 65.)

Yes, I did ask this gentleman a few questions I wanted answered. The first questions was:

Me- " With doctors overdosing people with AZT when first released, do you feel it is now causing the other health issues in long time survivors?"

His answer - "We had millions of people dying at the time, the health issues also could be from the drug Zerit."

That skirted around my question not answering yes or no, but this ones skirt was much better.

My question "In February of 2005, the "Super Virus (which was drug resistant) hit New York City. Does the CDC fear that we will again be hit by the "Super Virus?"

He talked about the importance of taking your meds so the virus wouldn't mutate. He never did answer that question or talked about safe sex and condoms.

My last question was "Last month there was an article about a German scientist finding a protein in semen that enhances the HIV/AIDS virus 100, 000 fold, what are we doing here in the states about this find?"

He said stating "State researchers are looking into this finding and drug companies are looking into ways to combat this finding."

Little did I know sitting in this forum was one of the co founders of the Santa Cruz AIDS Project. He made it a appoint to introduce himself to me acknowledging how up to date and knowledgeable I was about HIV/AIDS. I informed him, I try to educate on myspace and my blog to the best of my ability about the HIV/AIDS virus living with it daily. I nearly fainted from his acknowledgment of my work educating about the HIV/AIDS virus after he left. I'm going to have a shitty ass grin on my face all day from meeting him.

Footnote: I'm still decompressing from last night and I took a lot of notes. I'll be posting more information in later postings.

Dell Product (RED) Laptop

2008-02-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today I called Dell about their product red laptop. I wanted to know more information and cost so I could save up to purchase one of these sweet laptops. When I called I asked about the price and features. Their no frills model XPS M1530 starts at $1150.00 dollars. They also told me that fully loaded would run anywhere between $3000.00 to $4000.00 dollars. As mush as I would love to have one of these laptops right now, it's going to be quite a long, long, long, time till I'm able to get the laptop I desire. They also didn't tell me about hidden charges such as shipping and handling and such.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2008-02-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

The other day I was at the AIDS project and noticed what I thought was a very handsome Afro American gentlemen. After the young gentleman left, I went up to his case worker and ask "Who was that, for he was a real cutie?" It turns out he wasn't Afro American but Jamaican. He is also going to be my new roommate. I'll just open my mouth and insert my foot now. Go figure, this would only happen to me. Ughhhh!!

Please Read This Posting

2008-02-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

Today I want to pimp someone else's blog for I feel it's a very important posting. Here I am on the world wide net, myspace, and the bloggers sphere trying to educate about HIV/AIDS, and living daily with HIV/AIDS.

LGBT Revolution e mailed back and forth with someone who was ignorant and abrasive of their information about the HIV/AIDS virus. LGBT Revolution blogged the conversations and responses they had with this person.

I had to walk away from LGBT's posting a few times. I really couldn't believe my eyes what I was reading. It was so disturbing to me it got my knickers in an uproar. LGBT's posting is something everyone should read.

Thank you for doing that blog posting LGBT. To read this amazing and disturbing post, please click here. If you are the person who had this conversation with the LGBT Revolution please delete yourself IMMEADATLY as my friend on myspace. You are no friend of mine and I do not want you as a friend on myspace or in the real world.

Make * A * Wish For Adults Part 2: A Response

2008-02-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

When I wrote "Make * A * Wish For Adults", I was frustrated that I couldn't find an organization to grant wishes to people like myself with chronic illnesses. Never in my life did I ever expect a response from the founder of the "Dream Foundation" on one of my blogs. This small act shows me that the work I'm doing on my blog and myspace is starting to pay off. That I am educating people on the net. Though this wasn't as good as one of my wishes being granted, it was almost as good as one of my wishes being granted. Respect and notoriety is amazing to me supporting an illness in my opinion will never be cured. I do feel we will develope a vaccine for the HIV/AIDS virus. Below is the comment I found on one of my blogs today. I'm as giddy as a school girl winning home coming queen.

Hi Poz Mikey,

My name is Thomas Rollerson, Founder of the Dream Foundation. In 1994, after a battle with AIDS, my partner/soul mate of almost 10 years died. Just prior, I phoned wish granting organizations to bring him some comfort and joy. Like you, I was frustrated when I learned that many organizations existed for the final wishes of children, but nothing for adults. I had a choice, to lose myself in my frustration, anger and grief, or use it, towards making a positive change. Additionally, the love I had from friends and family and the eternal love of my partner was much stronger than my grief. So, I focused my frustration, which manifested into passion, and set out to pay the love forward.

I never dreamed of serving the numbers we do today, and yet, as you pointed out the need is still great. I don't think any organization, certainly not Dream Foundation wants to exclude anyone enduring life's challenges. We simply don't have the resources to serve everyone, and as you can imagine, procuring support for adult wishes has it's challenges. With limited resources we do have to make some tough choices, and when I began, I chose to focus on those with the shortest life expectancy. With two small offices and budget, honoring the final wishes of all adults at end of life is not possible by one agency, let alone expanding to serve the millions of adults living with Chronic illness. Of course, it is my dream every human being could realize their dreams.

When I began Dream Foundation the E.D. of the LA Make A Wish shared she was happy they at last had somewhere they could refer all the adults that called. Perhaps someday I'll be able to say the same for all the calls we get from those living with Chronic Illnesses.

I hope you understand when I say, I'm glad you are blessed not to qualify for Dream Foundation, and with all my heart I hope YOU realize your dreams too!

Thomas W. Rollerson
Founder/President
Dream Foundation
www.dreamfoundation.org
(805) 564-2131 office

That is the response today that blew my socks off and out the door. Please support the Dream Foundation. Adults with terminal and chronic illnesses have dreams too.

Are you Sirius?

2008-01-31T21:37:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago the salon signed up for Sirius satellite radio. They have all types of stations on Sirius. Such titles as the Elvis station, a Broadway, new age, sports, talk, and other genera stations. Well, we had a small break when no clients were in the salon. We turned it onto the Gay And Lesbian station. There was a gay dude and a lesbian talking about something. Then we hear the gay dude say to the lesbian (with a lisp) "You know, I only need three things in life. A sandwich, my remote, and a blow job!"

We were like OMG, we can't have this on when clients are in the salon. Then I got to thinking. Hmmm, I can go to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich. I know where my remote controls are located. Now where the hell is that blow job!!. Baaaaa haaaaa haaaa!!

Death: An AIDS Posting

2008-01-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

For the last week, I haven't been able to make it to work from the winds and rain we are having in California. So today I made it to to work from having a break from all the rain to perform some of my duties.

I had quite a shocker from my boss today at work. One of his best friends died on Saturday from an AIDS related opportunistic infection know as PCP. PCP is an infection of the lungs caused by Pneumocystis carinii, which is thought to be a protozoa but may be more closely related to a fungus. P. carinii grows rapidly in the lungs of persons with AIDS and is a frequent AIDS- related cause of death. P. carinii infection sometimes may occur elsewhere in the body (skin, eye, spleen, liver, or heart). The standard treatment and prophylaxis for PCP is Bactrim, dapsone, or pentamidine.

Like me, he was part of that one in four living with but not knowing they had HIV/AIDS. Unlike me he refused to have him self tested for HIV/AIDS. In fact, he didn't have himself tested until the last week and a half before his death. Oh , he suspected he had the HIV/AIDS virus not wanting to know for certain that he was infected with HIV/AIDS.

This makes me wonder just how many lives were lost from people afraid of being tested for the HIV/AIDS virus. This impacts me to the importance of being tested for HIV/AIDS virus. This also makes me think of my own mortality living with HIV/AIDS. So to all my readers, even if you feel you don't need to be tested for HIV/AIDS. Please go and have yourself tested. We are losing way to many people in this world to the HIV/AIDS virus.

Footnote: Some of this posting was taking from About.com.

(RED) Dell And Windows

2008-01-25T15:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I found out that Dell computers, Windows, have joined the product (Red) campaign. As many of you know, I have been wanting a laptop for quite sometime. I have been looking around to see which laptop would be best for me. Trying to educate about HIV/AIDS on the web I can't think of a more appropriate laptop for me. All I can say is "Dude, I want a Dell!!"

Make* A * Wish For Adults?

2008-01-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

With the controversy over The Orion groups fake video on the net about a youngster being granted a lifetime of wishes, I looked for an adult Make * A * Wish foundation for people who have chronic or terminal illnesses. Hoping maybe one of the organizations to make one of my dreams and wishes come true.

What I found was there are foundations for adults who are in the last 12 months of their lives to give wishes to adults. What I didn't find is any organizations who grants people who have chronic illnesses to grant their wishes. This leads me to believe if you have HIV taking your meds daily, fighting daily to stay healthy you don't qualify for these wishes.

It seems to me if you are not a fighter trying to stay healthy, not taking your meds and just wanting to lay down and die you would qualify for one of these wishes. From what I have seen living with HIV/AIDS the last three year this is the way benefits work also for people living with chronic illnesses.

All people who have chronic illnesses have dreams, wants, and desires. Some of mine are I'd like to have a laptop for I try to educate about HIV/AIDS on the web. I'd like to have a vacation somewhere like Hawaii, or Orland, Florida where there are a lot of theme parks. I'd like to fly to New York being in the cast of "RENT" as one of the characters on Broadway before it closes this June. I'd like to have a new flat screen television. How about a motorized vehicle to get around easier. I know I'm being selfish right now, but in my humble opinion I find it unfair to those of us who try to stay healthy who have wishes and dreams.

Footnote: As for the adults wishes for people who are terminal, the best one I have found so far is the Dream Foundation. Check them out to see the good work they do for adults.

Don't Tell Me...

2008-01-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get tired of spam and adds on the net telling you you've won crap? Well , I do get tired of that crap. Things like You've won a vacation, laptops, gaming systems,flat screen televions, and other products.

These products would enhance my life. Yes, I do need a laptop for all the work I do on the net. Yes, I do need a new television unable to afford a new television. All I want to do is yell "GO AWAY I KNOW I COULD USE THESE ITEMS!!" Oh right the best on is "DO YOU KNOW THIS PERSON WANTS TO DATE YOU?" Don't tell me this shit and leave me alone!!

Down

2008-01-21T11:03:00.000-08:00

I've been down the last few days. I want so much out of life not sure how I can achieve my dreams. I've been hiding this from everyone who I know. People see a happy go lucky person on the outside, but on the inside I feel like I'm torn.

Sometimes I think I look at life vicariously, wishing to be other people not seeing or being the real me. I feel lost at the moment. Being there all time for others and not taking care of self. Oh, I do try to take care of myself but I need to say no sometimes to wishes of other folks.

Volunteering And Back Light

2008-01-16T09:53:00.000-08:00

I'll be volunteering at the local Aids project as one of their online outreach personnel. I start to train tomorrow and will be able to work at home when I have one of my regular work weeks. I'm stoked that I'm even going to do more about HIV/AIDS awareness. One thing I didn't realize was all the paper work for doing outreach on line.

After my meeting, I went to the store to pick up something I needed for supper. I came back out of the store and saw I had no back light on my bike. The mounting had somehow broke off and it was laying on the ground. I need to get a new back light today.

Pissed

2008-01-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed off for my Until there's a cure bracelet disappeared about two weeks ago. I've searched high and low with no bracelet to be found. It seems I'm going to have to get another large size HIV/AIDS bracelet!!

Task Force Meeting

2008-01-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to the Santa Cruz Ryan White Task Force meeting. This meeting was more of a budget meeting which didn't go well. You see, California is having some budget problems which means funding to HIV/AIDS education is being cut....again.

I really don't think the politicians for this state get if we are going to stop HIV/AIDS we are going to have to educate. I know benefits are being cut too again which really blows. How are we going to stop HIV/AIDS without education? Are we ever going to stop this disease?

Ryan White Task Force And Volunteering

2008-01-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

I said I'd be more proactive in the world with eduacating and leaning about HIV/AIDS. Tonight I'll be attending the Santa Cruz Ryan White task force meeting. It's a two hour meeting tonight and I hope I get more eduaction with the issues of HIV/AIDS here in Santa Cruz.

I also asked to volunteer at the local AIDS project. I'm to have a meeting tomorrow with the person I'm to be working for doing outreach. I'm going to be helping with the online outreach program till something more physical pops up.

80 Percent

2008-01-13T09:45:00.000-08:00

So I have been hanging out in the Gay.com chat room for my area hoping to meet that someone special. Since I couldn't get into my normal chat room, last night was no exception. Let's just say I was frisky and didn't meet anyone which put me in a slight depression last night. I kept thinking about the 80% of the population that won't date people with HIV. That I will never find a partner again or a sex buddy.

So this morning, I Googled 80% won't date people with HIV coming across some disturbing facts. Here are a few facts that I found......

1) 80% of new HIV infects are caused by risky behavior from 20% of people who have HIV.

2) 80% of people who have STDs won't tell their partners.

3) Almost 80% of people with HIV had experienced some form of prejudice or discrimination.

4) The CDC estimated about 80 percent of HIV-positive black women were infected through
heterosexual contact.

5) Nearly 80 percent of those infected with HIV are between 15 and 45 years old.

I just want to say I feel more depressed now.

Bargins

2008-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

The boss gave me a nice size gift card to the mall for my Christmas bonus. I found this work shirt today!!

It was $50.00 dollars and I bought it for $16.00 dollars. I also found this sweater today too!!

This sweater was $60.00 dollars and I bought it for $16.00 dollars!!

I can't believe I bought $110.00 dollars in clothes for $32.00 dollars!! I love good bargins!!

Get A Better Hairpiece!!

2008-01-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

ENOUGH SAID!!

Proactive

2008-01-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

One of my resolutions this years was to become more proactive in HIV/AIDS awareness in the real world. Tonight I was to attend the Ryan White Santa Cruz task force meeting. Thankfully it was pushed back a week!! Today I was fighting a head ache most of the day. I didn't get rid of it till after the meeting was to end. I'll be attending next weeks meeting and keeping my resolution.

My Year In Review

2007-12-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

This past year wasn't a bad year for me. Yes, I have had health problems such as lots of colds, the kidney failure scare, respiratory issues but nothing very major. All and all my health was good in 2007.

I've still worked my ass of at work but I'm still enjoying my job. Not a lot of people can say they really like their boss and their career. Work at the salon is amazing and I love hearing some of the truly off beat stories of our clients.

I'm still single hoping to find that special person in my life. Maybe in 2008 he will show up. We never know what is in store for us day by day. Plus I never know when I will take a turn for the worse.

I've had issues with my roommates in 2007 but don't we all have issues when we live with people. I've learned that if people are negative, I don't have time for them in my life. I've also to talking to Matthew my ex as much. We still talk but he has his life and I need my life away from him.

My hopes for 2008 is that my life keeps getting better and better. That some of my dreams, wants and desires come true. I hope to get more involved in HIV/AIDS education in the real world.

Lastly, I Like to wish everyone a happy and healthy new year!!

The Miracle Worker

2007-12-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

I have seen my boss do some amazing things with peoples hair hair but nothing can compare with what he did this week. I think of him no as a miracle worker. Why do I call him a miracle worker? Well, this week he got a friend of mine into his chair and cut her hair. She's needed a haircut for awhile but is the type of person who thinks it would be an inconvenience to the stylist. Yes you read that right. Hell, she was on her way out the door!! He just kept suggesting things and now her hair looks much, much, better.

The second reason I think he is a miracle worker is we had a hairpiece client who was a quadriplegic. He suffers intense pain and was paralyzed from a sporting accident. He was getting a hairpiece for he's getting surgery and they have to shave his head.

During his haircut and hairpiece cut down it was time for his medications. The friend who were with him administered his medication. Half way into the cut down he passed out from his pain killers. Not only did he pass out, he was I would call completely unconscious to the whole hair style. I was so surprised that my boss could work on this client. Both cuts did look fantastic which I'm sure the client was pleased once he regained consciousness. That's why I considered my boss a miracle worker!!

What The Fuck

2007-12-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just have to say "What the fuck go for it." What I'm talking about is my boss gave me two very nice cash amount gift cards to the Gap. So I went to our local Gap today to purchase some items. Well, I've had my eye on a really nice sweater and wanted a new pair of jeans.

They still had the sweater I wanted in stock and in my size. Now for the the jeans. Every size they had in mens jeans in my waist size were too long in the legs. Oh sure, I could have had them hemmed but sometimes I'm impatient to wait for hemming.

So I said "What the fuck " and asked to try on some ladies jeans. If the fit right and were masculine enough, I would wear ladies jeans. Much to my surprise, I found the almost perfect pair of jeans for me. They fit my waist, hug my hips and I do not need them shorten. The only thing I do not like about them are the pockets are to shallow for my taste.

"What the fuck," so do I go for something that doesn't fit well for convenience of deep pockets? Do I go for a pair of jeans that fit me the best I've purchased in quite I long time? I said "What the fuck" and purchased a pair of 2A stretch curve jeans that fit my body type. I do say I really like the outfit I picked out today. I can always put my wallet and other things in my backpack!!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

Not Going To Post

2007-12-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

The next few days I'm not going to post anything. The salon is very busy and I'm putting in some mega hours. The boss did tell me that I'm getting one of my dream gifts for Christmas. I'm pondering what is that gift?

Oh a friend brought me home from work tonight. He asked me to give him an HIV 101 coarse. I did!!

Happy Holidays

2007-12-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Under The Weather

2007-12-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I've been sick. I have a sore throat, chills, fever, no energy, and been sleeping a lot. Yesterday, I went to see my doctor who gave me some anti biotics. Sometimes I get very irked with cyber land. My prescription was lost in a place where I'll call area 51. It took me hours to get a hold of someone to have my script resent to the pharmacy. Let's just say it took me from 8am to 5pm just to see my doctor and get my prescription. Is it any wonder that Michael Moore did a film on our messed up medical system?

Hairspray

2007-12-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm really addicted to the DVD Hairspray and the soundtrack. I really like the positive message of both film versions. The newer versions soundtrack is awesome and rings true with messages of todays society. I think what I like about Hairspray the most is that sometimes your smaller dreams are bigger then you think and they come true!! That love can conquire all barriers. This story gives me hope of finding love one day. I also hope to see the stage version one day too.

Some HIV/AIDS Stats For 2007

2007-12-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

1) Number of people living with HIV/AIDS - 33.2 million

2) New cases of HIV/AIDS this year - 2.5 million

3) Deaths from HIV/AIDS in 2007 - 2.1 million

4) People living in North America with HIV/AIDS - 1.3 million

5) Infections per day in 2007 - 6800 +

6) Cases of HIV/AIDS in Santa Cruz County - 700 +

7) Deaths from HIV/AIDS in Santa County last week - 2

8) 80 percent of the population stated they would not date someone who is HIV+ or who has AIDS.

Lazy Day

2007-12-03T09:34:00.001-08:00

Sunday, I just wanted to chill out in front of the idiot tube and watch something which was a no brainer. You know, all those guilty pleasure shows which no one will admit they watch. So, I was channel surfing and came across a Beauty And The Geek marathon on Mtv. I think I watched like six hours of GEEK.

I just want to say, there was a woman on the show who reminded me of Mary Catherine Gallagher. She was a character Molly Shannon created on Saturday Night Live. I kept waiting for this woman to get nervous putting her hand under her armpits then smell them. I kept waiting for her to get on one knee saying "Superstar." Oh yes, her beauty was a drop dead gorgeous, hunky, party promoter. Just take a look at Sam!!

World AIDS Day 2007

2007-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Discrimination Update

2007-11-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

I sent the letters and now we are meeting a week from this coming Friday. Believe or no not, the person I'm meeting with is a HIV/AIDS advocate. He did early statics work in San Francisco when the virus first hit this country. Woohoo!!!

Easter Egg Treats For The Holiday Season

2007-11-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

I know, why am I talking about Easter Eggs during this part of the year. No, I'm not talking about the type of eggs that comes out of chickens asses. I'm talking about hidden features on DVDS. I know a lot of you watch movies on DVDS. What you may not know is that their are hidden clips on some DVDS which you need. Most of them are humorous but others are about that particular movie. The best Easter I have found is on the double disk of Final Fantasy: The Spirits within. The characters do the dance segment from Michael Jacksons Thriller. If you click here, you will find a website that tells you about where to find Easter eggs. I'm sure there are more site that will tell you where to find Easter eggs on certain DVDS. Have fun finding them on your DVD disks!!

Holiday Question

2007-11-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

If a person hits a man in his genitalia, does the make that person a Nutcracker?

Making My Lists

2007-11-22T23:30:00.000-08:00

So I decided to make two different Christmas list. The first list are the things that I'll ask my friends to get me if they ask what I want this coming up holiday. The second is my ultimate dream Christmas list which I know will never happen but dreams can come true. These are in no certain order.

Reality list:

Itunes gift cards

Amazon.com gift certificates

Coffee house gift cards

Work pants

Anything from the (Product) Red campaign

DVD's like the Alien series and Battlestar Galatica

Ultimate Dream list:

A vacation in Hawaii

A Jeep

A laptop with wireless access

A flat screen HD TV

A soft top surfboard

The more expensive products from the (Product) Red campaign gap has a nice leather jacket but don't know if I take a small or extra small.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T09:42:00.001-08:00