Did I Want To Die?

My two year anniversary is coming up on September 30 of when I found out I had HIV/AIDS. This is a posting that's has been in my head all day and compelled to put it on this blog.

Two years ago I was barely able to get out of bed and move. I tried to seek help but without having medical insurance and too sick to work, I wasn't able to obtain the medical attention I so desired.

With oral thrush so bad I could hardly eat, drink, swallow let alone talk, the HIV/AIDS virus was running rampant in my body. Finally my ex took me to get tested for AIDS.

I was thinking I would be negative, for I haven't slept with anyone the prior three years to being tested. So in a small private testing room I found out I had AIDS. I remember distinctly bursting into tears when I found out I was positive. It took me half an hour to compose myself enough to walk out of the room and walk to Matthew's car so we could go home.

On the way home Matthew made me promise not to kill myself. When we got back to our place, I went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. Did I want to die that night? Yes I did thinking I was going to die anyway in a few weeks.

Now it's almost two years later. I am in a much better place I feel then I have been in along time. I am very open about being positive and striving to educate the web about living with HIV/AIDS on a daily basis.

From having found out I had full blown AIDS to now only being HIV positive, having counseling about dealing with the disease, I have more inner strength then I thought possible.

I know now, I will have my good days and my bad days. I know that I could always take a turn for the worst at any moment. I now live with the joy of just being alive. That finding out you have full blown AIDS is NOT an automatic death sentence and it's a joy just to be alive.