Living With AIDS

I'm still reeling from finding out I'm always going to be considered to having AIDS and not HIV. Saturday night I really could have used someone in my bed holding me all night. I was upset and couldn't sleep, but I never totally broke down for those days are over.

Sunday I went down to work hoping to be alone and do some of my duties. The only major duty I was able to complete was washing some hairpieces for the cancer society. You see the owner was there and going to be there all day doing permanent make-up. She needed to concentrate so she could work on her clients with very little distractions.

I came home from the shop and needed time to think. I finally ended up at the lighthouse by the harbor just watching the bay thinking to myself. (We have two lighthouses here in Santa Cruz.) Sitting there thinking, does this information change my numbers? No!! Does this information change how I feel? No. All this information did was to throw me a nice mental mind fuck.

It might take me a few days to bounce back from knowing I'll always be considered having AIDS. I've bounced back from worse things then this information. One person asked me "How did you manage to go on and not just want to lay down and die?" Some days I truly feel I would love to just lay down and die. All this disease has done is giving me heart ache and pain. Granted, I've been able to help others from educating on the net and the real world. How about something nice for me once? Let it come to me easy too instead of everything always being a fight.