The Retreat

So I just got home a few minutes ago from the retreat. I was soo unplugged up there with no TV or internet but it was fun. The retreat was nothing like I was expecting it too be. I was hoping that they would have some clinical workshops and not all inner growth and metaphysical workshops.

This irked me somewhat for the first day. So as a do before people know me, I kept up my strong barriers. I didn't leave the people who didn't know me into my being not knowing if it was a truly safe enviroment. The first workshop I took was authentic intimacy. This workshop I had an amazing break threw. I know now why I don't go out to look for relationships.

Until I really get to know a person, I'm petrified of intimate touch. I'm not talking about the act of sex (but that is a very strong fear in my being.) This goes way deeper, just the act of someone holding, caressing, and giving me gentle kisses and being loved again scares the crap out of me. So I isolate myself and only let people I don't really know scratch the surface of my heart so I don't get hurt. I don't allow myself my true feelings to emerge and validate how I'm feeling.

So what I learned this weekend is that I need to trust people again. I need to be more open to myself and others and allow myself to be loved. I have very strong barriers, beliefs and conventions. I feel that is one of the reason I like to blog.

Did I find someone that I'd really like to date there? No most of the people there were not my type or they were in relationships. I will admit after I was able to trust the people I was with, I had a truly amazing, wonderful, experience. I hope that I made some long lasting friendships along my journey into self this weekend. Yes some of my barriers were more then a little scratched. Now I have found what I need to work on next.

ps Never play the card game Maui till 4 am in the morning. I laughed as hard or if not harder during these games then in the chat room I frequent. I had an amazing weekend and it was truly what I needed!!