You Pretend To Create And Observe

There is a part in the Broadway show RENT which goes:

Roger:

From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie

yes, you live a lie tell you why

you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive

you pretend to create and observe

when you really detach from feeling alive


Mark:

Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

Roger:

Poor baby

Right now I feel like I'm detach from feeling alive. I create and observe and try to educate, I work, eat, and sleep but right now there are zero emotions. I feel like I'm the above argument. I'm not saying I'm a cold hearted bitch right now but I need to learn how to feel again.

So many negative things have happened to me since I moved to California I might be traumatized closing my heart to everything and everyone. I feel like I'm putting up a false front with everyone so they don't knowing the true me.

I feel like I'm empty almost being in a robotic mode living my life. Going threw my paces but not truly feeling, not knowing what life has in store, not truly living. I will let you know the past 3 and something years have kind of sucked with trauma.

I don't know what it's going to take from me to truly to start to live. For now I'll stay in my robo mode till I can figure out where the next road takes me in life's journey.