Sittimg On The Dock Of The Bay

Ok so I wasn't sitting sitting on a dock. It was a rock at the levy at the mouth of Santa Cruz harbor on the Monterey Bay . No I wasn't waisting time there, I was taking a good long look at my life trying to set up a life plan for myself.

I was setting some long term goals for myself. Less then two weeks ago, I didn't even think I had a future now I have goals. I will share some of my goals and thoughts with you now.

First and foremost is for me to stop being and playing the part of the victim in this thing we call life. I've been knocked to the gutter too many times in life that I'm tired of being knocked to the gutter. I now have a chance of a new lease on life and to hit more goals.

These others are not in order

To restart educating what's it like living with AIDS and educating on the web about HIV/AIDS. Know this my friends this one I really, really, had to think. Did I want to help people or did I just want the recognition? The recognition for my work would be nice but helping people is more important then the recognition and who knows that may come when the time is right. This might take sometime till I can get internet and a land line set up at the place I'll be staying. Yes my friends I'll be off line for a little while at my new place but will try to go to some place to update you on my status.

To find a partner to love. I'm tired of being single and would love to have someone to share and get my life experiences. Someone who will appreciate me for who I am.

To handle things in a more timely matter. I'm a procrastinator.

To start up my massage practice. It is one of the ways for me to earn money.

To go to Hawaii for a vacation by January 2011. The last vacation I really had was back in 1997 when my ex and myself went to L. A. when we were thinking about moving to California. Holy shit Mr. Peabody, we need to turn back the wayback machine!!

These are a few of the life goals I set for my yesterday and I hope to fulfill them in a timely matter.

Quitting To Smoke

One of the conditions of moving into my boss's place is that I stop smoking. My gift to myself will be a laptop when I get some money and I quit completely.

Miracle Do Happen / Major Emotional Roller coaster ride

OMG the last 24 hours has been a major emotional roller coaster ride for me. As you readers know, I thought I has going to be homeless at the end of the month. Well a miracle happened my dear readers. I went over to see my ex boss and he told me that since he was unable to rent the room he has available he would allow me to move into that room.

Call it karma, a miracle, God or the universes intervention or what not, I'm so grateful I'm not going to be homeless. He wanted a tentent that he could really trust and he trust me completely. There are only two conditions for me to move in with him. One of the conditions is I find a good person to seek help for he believes I might have A.D. D. since all my life I've had focus issues. The second condition is that I quit smoking ciggerettes. I've been running around making phone calls about "The Patch", changing my address since I found out I'll have a place to stay.

If anyone ever tells you, miracles don't happen in this world, (pardon my french) you can tell them to go fuck themselves!! This one, short, little gay man living with AIDS is proof that miracles do happen and I still believe miracles do happen for me and anyone else out there. They may not see the miracles happen but they are out there. Now I'll have time to breath again, get my head one straight, and time to sort out my life.

Traumatized / Soon To Be Homeless

Isn't it amazing when we look back in life that effects of all our lives. This month two traumatic events popped up for me that changed my life and then I put them in back of my mind. The first was when my mother and I were hit by a car. My mother threw me out of the way of the car or I would have been killed. My brother and myself were forced to live with two of my aunts as my mother recouped from I broken hip. I was pissed at my dad forcing us to live with the aunties!! I just wanted to live in our own house and felt that my dad didn't trust my brother and myself to be by ourselves.

The second was when my mother had a melt down at my grandmother's funeral. She bursted out in tears, crying over my grandmother's casket accusing my grandfather of murdering my grandmother. After that episode, it took me years to be able even to go into the town my grandparents lived. In fact I was so traumatized every time we drove into the town, I would lay my head down in the car so I would have to deal with the emotions I felt on the day of my grandmothers funeral. It took me years to be able to hold my head high in that town. Just a few years ago my mother revealed what an abusive person my grandfather was to everyone in his life including my mother and my aunts.

I maybe homeless at the end of the month unless a miracle happens. You see I've been battling sevear depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for the last 6 months. I've delt with my mother having a heart attack, then double open heart bypass surgery and now her breast cancer. I've also been dealing with my low G. I. issues from having AIDS and been trying to communicate for years to my doctor how bad the lower G.I. effect my life. It's so bad that every time I eat I'm on the toilet 2 to 6 times after I eat in a hour and a half after eating. It took my county nurse to come over to the place I live and see the splashes on the toilet to see how bad the chronic diarrhea really is. It effects my life so bad that I'm afraid to go out of the house unless I know I'm going to a place where a toilet is located. I've also had rectal bleeding during this time period that's why I had the colonoscopy and my doctor finally after years of telling finally got what I've been trying to tell him.

Then in July I've lost my job due to the economic crisis in this country and I've been trying to find a job. I've filled out applications but I couldn't even get a job interview. I've almost given up all hope at this time. The AIDS project has given me enough time in this house but I don't think they even saw the economic crisis we are in now and they are going to put me out on the street to make way for a new client. I'm scared and petrified at this time. So I'm saying to the universe, God, the higher being please help me in my time of crisis!!!