Poz Mikey


Computer Update And Myspace

I went to Jules for a little while today. She told me that her computer guru might try to restart the other computer tomorrow. I am so hoping and praying he can restart that computer. Should he not be able to restart the computer, she suggested I try the mom and pop stores around Santa Cruz to inform them that I am trying to put out what living is like on a daily basis with HIV. Working on the HIV website, and the page on myspace with HIV awareness plastered all over that page. That maybe one of them would donate a computer or make some type of easy arrangements to pay it off.

My page is finally set up the way I wanted it set up on myspace. I just have to add one more link to one of the pictures then it is complete. I am sure I will change it once in a while but I am so happy with the finished product. Thanks Tom for creating Myspace.



Helloooooo Ladies

So I have mentioned on here a few times before that "the boss" is a drag queen. Know where I'm heading with this posting? Last weekend was gay pride up in S.F. and the boss marched in 6 inch cha cha heals in his alternate persona Weezer De Lush.

When he arrived at work today he said he forgot something in the trunk of his car and asked me to fetch the item. I grabbed his key's, walked to the car, put the key in the lock, opened the trunk, looked down "Helloooo ladies" and slammed the trunk lid shut so hard I am surprised I didn't break the lock.

I reopened the trunk, there staring me in the face were his fake tits. Now mind you these are not the fake plastic kind you see as gag tits on Halloween. These tits are the ones they give women when they have mastectomies. It's the close thing I have seen to a real pair of braless tits since my mother breast fed me.

He chose a pair of tits that looked like they were in the cold wind and sticking out like a pair headlights. I retrieved what he needed, and went back in side. I told my boss and he cracked up at me. I never know what the hell I am going to find in the bosses car!!!



Need To Know More About Me?

Which Character from Rent are you?

4531 other people got this result!This quiz has been taken 49081 times.9% of people had this result.



I find myself to be be moody right now. With having seen Ms. Sizzle for one of the last times for awhile at her going away party at the org. Thinking on what to due about my computer problems and still try to make the bills and rent. Find that my muse for writing seems to be stained at the moment and not really knowing when how long it will take me awhile to catch up on everyones lives.

I really feel like I left down GG this month with the HIV blog. Not writing a story and us not getting any stories from the website. That Juan today told me that he still hasn't filled out the questionair about Cuba yet for the site due to other commitments. It's just that my emotions are running very deep right now.

I am learning that I use this blog as a diary in which before this past October, I never would have never dreamed in doing. I feel like I am negelicting my readers due to the amount of time I am able to be on a computer and not having time to read your blogs.

Tonight I feel like I need an escapism. Just to get away from everything for a few days. I can always blame it on the meds but I don't think tonight is one of them. You see everytime we go threw moods like the one I am having tonight, we think of people, places, and things from our past that we couldn't remember for years.

Meloncally is a great way to discribe my mood. For the past few weeks I have really noticed one of the side effects of the meds. It is what is known as fat redistribution. The checks on my face are caving in and the fat is going to different areas of my body. Like under my chin and to my sides. I was told this would happen but I guess really wasn't ready for this so soon. If you look at the picture you can see why you very rarely see a profile shot of me on this blog.



Thanks Dave And Blown Away

Thanks Dave2 for reminding me of Wyland and Nelson. I also love their paintings!!!

I was starting to think that my wanting to educate everyone about HIV/AIDS was not being noticed. The work that the Gay Guru, myself, and everyone else who tries to educate about HIV/AIDS just went into one ear and out the other. I did a google search on my screen name and came across this and blew me away! I am so glad the word I'm trying to spread along with others is being taken seriously.

Sometimes we need to be reminded every once in awhile that people do notice our work even though it's not mentioned. Now if I could only get a computer for my room so I can continue my work without jumping on everyone elses computers. I wonder if Bill Gates would help me get a computer getting that 44 billion from that other guy for his help to fight Aids. Bill has to spend all that money in one year. Hey Bill, Can you read me now?


Christian Riese Lassen

I have never posted about my favorite artist/painter till today. His name is Christian Riese Lassen. I'm sure many of you have seen his work but don't know his name. Mr. Lassen is famous for painting whales and dolphins with vibrant colored backgrounds.

Yesterday, I was looking for a poster for my one wall. Since I like whales, dolphins, tigers, and sharks, I thought about getting one of Mr. Lassen's limited prints. I looked up his website and called the 877 number. Let me tell you something, I have Dom Perignon taste and a Mad Dog 20/20 wallet. His limited prints start at $500.00 dollars and go up to $2,500.00 dollars. His paintings start at $200,000.oo dollars. They have 7 different frames and each one come with at least 5 diamonds in the eyes. They also do not send out any catalogues of his art.

Then I went down to "the mall" here in Santa Cruz. I was able to find two of his posters. My mouth nearly dropped when I saw it was $40.00 dollars for each one. I think I'll wait a bit to think it over before purchasing one.



A Special Request For My Readers

I have a special request for my readers today. There is a young man named Ben who is battling cancer in Chicago. This young man is having a very bad time with his cancer spreading threw out his body. I tried to find on line an adult Make A Wish Foundation to put his name in for a wish. To my surprise there isn't one for adults with chronic or terminal illnesses. This is completely unfair for adults have dreams and wishes too.

I believe Ben is at Northwestern Hospital and he is a huge St. Louis Cardinals fan. My request to you is to please join me in this e mail campaign today and write to the St. Louis Cardinals at their official web site so they might do something nice for Ben. You will see the contact link at the bottom of their page. I e mailed them under community. I would like all my readers to help me bring a little joy into this young man's life. I also request that you tell the people you love that you love them with your heart. Life is too short to be wasted.

Thank You,

Footnote: This postings not about me so I will not be allowing comments today


Computer Update, Dates

Well the one computer I had is in really bad shape and not sure if it can be fixed. I thought it would be the easiest but it's not!!! The other one I sent I am still waiting to hear about if it can be fixed.

To all the bloggers who are coming out to the San Francisco Bay, San Jose area. As soon as you know dates of when you are coming please e mail me at mikeysantacruz@yahoo.com so I can make arrangements to meet you. XXXOOO Mikey



The Trade, Ms Sizzle, Lois Lane

I was off work yesterday. The boss is up in S.F. For pride weekend. The person at the salon who does facials and myself did a trade. She gave me my first facial and since she had a table I gave her a massage. The facial I really enjoyed until she brought out the black head gun to remove the few black heads I had in my face. Some of them were in there so tight she was pulling them out like she was in the tug a war competition of "The Battle Of The Network Stars." After I massaged her she said that it was a great trade. She also said what ever man gets me and I give him a massage he is going to be spoiled. Yes!!!

I went to one of Ms. Sizzles going away parties with Jules and Remy. I had a wonderful time and met her mother, her roomies, her friends and fellow bloggers. Due to not sleeping well the night before and drinking one glass of wine on a semi empty stomach I left early. I learned two things last night. The first is I am a cheap date. Second I am really going to miss Ms. Sizzle.

The is rad!!! A fellow blogger who's blog is entitled "Home Fries" is starting to work tonight at Second City in Chicago. Her name is Lois lane and I met her in Ross "the intern" Mathews chat room. For those of you who don't know what second City is it is a famous comidy troop where many famous comidians first made their mark. Sweetie, I am so proud of you for following your dream and break a leg tonight. Here is Lois's url on myspace. Drop by today and wish her well!!

Footnote: I had problems with the link option with blogger dashboard



62 Questions

1)How old do you wish you were?

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
watching cnn in my living room

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
try another vending machine

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
hell yeah

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
On my ass so everyone could kiss it, gohan from dragonball z(see myspace template)

6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be?

7) Do you know your neighbors?
not really

8)What do you consider a vacation?
any time I can get away from santa cruz

9) Do you follow your horoscope?

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
I did then he dumbed me

11) Are you touchy feely?
I'm a hugger

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?

13) Dream job?
Helping people which I am partically doing now

14) Favorite channel(s)
Scifi , Cnn,

15) Favorite place to go on a weekend?
I'm usually working!! :(

16) Showers or Bath.

17) Do you paint your nails?
Hell no

18) Do you trust people easily?
Yes till they screw me over

19) What are your phobias?

20) Do you want kids?

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?

22) Where would you rather be right now?
L.A. New York, Baltimore

23) What makes you feel warm and safe?
I dunno

24) Heavy or light sleep?
very light sleeper

25) Are you paranoid?

26) Are you impatient?

28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples?
You now I like asians and latinos plus whites

29) Have you been burned by love?
Yes, yes, and yes

30) Whats ur life motto??
live one day at a time

31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
don't have one if I did Alice deejay's "Better off alone"

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
pimping page on myspace

33) Who was your last text message from?
no cell phone duh!!!

34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?

35) What color shirt are you wearing?

37) Name five things you have on you at all times?
keys, wallet, cigarettes, lighter, glasses

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
off green

40) What is your favorite part of chicken?

41) What's your favorite town/city?

42) i cant wait till...
they find a cure for HIV

43) Who got you to join myspace?
Ross chat group

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
KFC I worked late

45) How tall are you barefoot?

46) Have you ever smoked crack?

47) Do you own a gun?

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
very strong coffee

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't know

50) Do you have A.D.D.?

51) What time did you wake up today?
which time?

52) Current worry?
life, money, computer

53) Current hate?
My computer

54) Favorite place to be?
at the beach

55) Where would you like to travel?
the tropics or Ha.

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
either in the ground or with a boyfriend

57) last thing you ate?
a cinn o bun with extra frosting

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?

59) Last person that made you laugh?

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
water on the brain

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
Wish they tell me

62) What is your favorite candy?
Sour gummi worms



The First 7,000 Hits On My Blog (I Missed 5,000 Due To Technical Difficulties)


Bet you didn't know I was counting your asses!!!



A Real Rough Night

This is going to be one of those postings I whine. I went to Jules house after work so I could talk to my friends in Ross chat. It was also tourist night in the chat room due to Ross being on the "Tonight Show."

While riding back from Jules house, this cold started kicking me in the butt again. I felt feverish and nauseated. I had a hard time going to sleep, I awoke at 2 in the morning soaked from night sweats. At 3 am a was kneeling at the porcelain alter.

If I could call in sick today and get a paid sick day I would call the salon. I do not have that option so it's going to be a put on a happy face day. I'm going to work and hope it's not a too long of a day.



Wicked Weds. How Many Times Did We Want To Say This?

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How Kewl Are Fellow Bloggers

I love my fellow bloggers and want to out a few people.

First- Jules and Sizzle I bought the go blog urself tee shirt from Rosie.com and you two turned around and purchused me one.

Second- Dave2 at blogography. I recieved my Zombies ate my brians Tee shirt and I love it bro. I nearly wigged out when I saw it glowed in the dark.

Third- Don't get mad at me Kev but kapgar bought me my Alice Deejay album I always wanted from my Amazon wish list. It came in the mail yesterday.

So to all above thank you so much. That's how kewl fellow bloggers can be!!!!


Blogger Get Togethers And Thrush

There are two blogger get togethers here in California the next two months. The first are going to be some people from the GBBMC June 30th. Yes I do want to meet Karl, Chase, Kevin and his wife. I will meet these people come hell or high water is San Jose, and S.F.

The second is for Ross Mathews fans. This is happening down in L A. August 20. As much as I would love to go to this one also, my finances won't allow me to attended. There are a few other bloggers in L.A. who are not in that group I would like to meet. One of them is this person.

Whenever I take antibiotics I get thrush. Yes the tongue is coated again. I know as soon as I stop taking the antibiotics it will clear up. This is all right with me for I know it won't be that long till it clear up after I stop taking the antibiotics. My doctor told me this might happen and for some reason he said my body likes fungus.



The Doctor's

I went to the doctor today. I have a bad upper chest cold so he gave me some antibiotics. I recieved some fantstic news in the doctor's office. My labs came back from last week. My T-cells also known as your CD4 count jumped 69 points. They went to 468 from 399. As for my viral load the doctor said it is still undectable!!!! I may feel like shit but I am flying on top the world!!!!!

Oh yeah he also gave me permission to do the 65 mile AIDS bike ride in October.




Computer- The computer is being worked on by a friend of Jules. I hope to hear something within the next few weeks. Ms. Youth called me up and asked me if I still needed to borrow her laptop so I am going to call her tonight.

Computer Time- I have been updating and changing my side bar on my blog. I have also been working a lot on constructing my page on myspace. (Link on side bar) I have also been self teaching myself how to write code. I can look at some codes now and say "Damn that's where I went wrong!!"

Health- My arm and rest of my body parts are feeling better. I had my labs done last week. I am a little scared since it took 6 months to have them done instead of every 3 months. I think I will be fine since I feel really great at this time.

New Roommate- We had a new roommate move in and he seems like a really nice guy. For those who have been reading my blog know a S.W.A.T. team came after the dude that lived in the new guy's room. I think he has the hot's for me but I'm not into wrinkled, old white raisins.

Ms. Sizzle-She is leaving in a few weeks and I think I will cry when she moves on to bigger and better things. I love you dear.

Aids Ride- Ms. Sizzle informed me there is an Aids ride October 1. The lengths are 25, 65, 100 miles. I really, really want to do this ride. It falls on the 2 year 1 day anniversary of when I found out I was positive. I am going to make the last trimester of this year into a positive good thing instead of a negative like the last two years have been in my life. I am going to ask the doctor if it's alright to do the 65 mile ride.

Blogger/chat buddy with cancer- A blogger/chat friend of mine with cancer isn't doing to swift right now. I would like all my readers to send him good energy and keep him in your prayers.


Father's Day And Updates


I will be posting a little later today giving you updates on my life.



This Is Just Funny!!

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Friday was a very emotionally draining day for me. At work one of the clients over stepped her professional client boundaries. She is one of the pitas (pain in the asses) I have mentioned before on my blog. Being in the profession she works in, she should know her boundaries.

I called my MOM up today to let her know I was doing well. She told me that my ex brother -in -law died Tuesday morning from pancreatic cancer. We knew he was very ill for a few months and wouldn't last long. His third wife (my sister was his first) is having him cremated and hand out his ashes in little pots to the people at his memorial. I don't know about you but I find that a little morbid.



Shake And Bake And Cali Aids Ride

I missed my chance to shake and bake this morning. At about 5:27 we had a 4.7 earthquake in the San Jose area. It was felt all the way from S.F. and further south of my location. I was lying in bed sound asleep. Waking up at that time from a very deep sleep, I thought to myself "I'm freaking cold" and pulled the covers back over myself. When I got to work my co workers told me we had an earthquake. I so want to be in an earthquake and then smoke my medical. Hence the term "Shake And Bake" LOLOLOL.

Riding to work this morning I was thinking I would like to ride in the "California Aids Lifecycle Ride" next year. It is a 7 day, 585 mile ride fundraiser to help people living with HIV/Aids. I am going to start looking into details to see if I can work out all the logistics. If I can I just might ride next year.


When Computers Crash!!!!

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Well today is international blogging day. One year ago, I had no idea what a blog was on the net. I have only been blogging since October. Today I consider myself a blog whore. If I can't sit myself down in front of a keyboard and type out my thoughts, feelings, desires I am like spiderman clutching the ceiling.

I never knew what support, information, and how therapeutic blogging would sustain my being. Yeah I will bitch and whine sometimes in my writing. I will unleash my anger on my blog and yet I won't speak my mind in voice.

I love to joke around on here too. Like the posting I did from my mothers womb to myself, or the one I did about my deadly deadly farts. I will go threw spells where I think my writing sucks. Then other times, I will see an amazing improvement in my blog whoring.

I didn't know one year ago today that many of your blogs would touch my heart. Your triumphs and your tribulations would have a major place in my heart. Everyday I see you speaking out about the injustices in this world. Many days I also see what is right in this world in your blogs.

With our blogs I feel we can, and are making a difference in this world. To all my fellow blogger I say "Keep letting your blogging voice be herd. You do make a difference in peoples lives and in this world!!!"


Happy Blogger Day

Hi guys,

Just a reminder that Wednesday 6/14 is International Webloggers Day, if you're interested. Everybody who participates gets to take the day off with pay so they can blog about blogging. Yeah, I wish.

Link if you want to check it out:

Happy Holiday-About-Us Day!



Four Hours Dealing With County

Yesterday I spent four hours trying to get my medical benefits re-instated. The last three months I wasn't covered by any medical insurance. This was due to an impending strike by the county workers, the Latino walk out on May the first, and the cancellation of my appointment due to the county upgrading their medical files.

In the end, my insurance is covered for the next three months when I get to do it all over again. I had my labs done with 5 tubes of blood and an urine sample take by the lab. A doctors appointment set up for the first week of July. Yesterday was a very productive day!!!




Someone on my blog commented I was pathetic and should get a life. That life goes on even after finding out that you are HIV positive. So to this blogger I say you are right. I am learning to deal with HIV and learning that we all take different steps to our accepting a disease.

The first step was for me accepting what is inside my body and all that goes with HIV. We never know when life is going give us that curve ball, and how we are going to handle that ball. I bitched and whined in my posting about being drunk over gay pride weekend about how scared I was to have sex.

Acknowledgement is what I should have written in that posting. That was a huge step for me just to even think about putting myself back onto the market. For me to have the idea of even the slightest chance of having a relationship, or being sexually active with a partner was a huge step.

They say the first few years are the hardest when you find out you are positive. That HIV just becomes a nuisance after acceptance. Maybe I was just really shaken up my first year having watched three roommates die from the disease.

Anyone who knows me in the flesh knows I have an amazing outlook on life. There is a lot of joy, love, and caring in my persona. They know everyday my attitude about HIV is changing into something I can live and deal with on a daily basis. Everyday I am learning from what I call the old timers who have been positive 5, 10, 15, and 20 years.

So I will keep making my small and large steps and deal with this disease. I will keep on learning how far I can push my body. Who knows maybe one day I might take that giant step out of a plane I always wanted to do and not worry on what the side effects. So to Greek Stories I say, I am still learning what you already know and accepted!!!



A Short Meme

5 more things people don't know about me

A) A very small part of my right thumb had to be taken off. It's not even noticeable.

B) I have crushes on a few fellow bloggers

C) I have very, very bad insomnia

D) I have a nervous habit of clicking me teeth

E) I do well in emergency situations and fall part afterwards



I Missed Two More

Solonor- A number one hit album

Eddie- If I ever get to your island or if you ever come to Santa Cruz


Appology To Canadian Girl

I missed Canadian Girl on my "If God" list. I am so sorry love!!! I couldn't upload the the Canadian flag to make you primeminster. So would you settle for the queen of 'myspace


Thurs. Night Injury

So a car with three kids cut me off riding home from work. I did not hit the car. I jammed on the brakes and hit the curb and went down. The kids didn't stop and I hit gravel. This is only one area of my body that's sore. That was with me wearing a hoodie could you have imagined if I hadn't been wearing something with long sleeves.



If God Part 2

A) Matthew(my ex)- I would teach you compassion and commitment

B) Pinky- You are my Ross A holic soulmate and I don't know you well so what ever you wanted
C) MOM_ross- I would give you an endless supply of spa treatments and all the pineapple juice and vodka you wanted (There's a joke in this one)

D) Ms. Youth- You are one of my dearest friend's so I would give you all the love and joy in the world and what ever else you wanted

E) Ruby- You have some amazing stories to tell, so for you I would give you a best selling book of your life

F) Carlos- A partner who makes you happy

G) My MOM- To bring dad back for you. You two were married over 50 years and I know how much you miss him

H) Marr- You would have to tell me what you wanted

I) Gay Guru- You would win a webby for your website

J) My Roommates- The cure for HIV and hep C.

K) Annie- A lifetime supply of Ho Ho's you know why I gave you this one

L) Rabbit- A happy marriage and children with G.I. Guy

K) Kilax- The power to stay in Rome and have the ultimate job you wish for

L) Claire- You would be the head of the German collage system and bring equality to the way they run their collages

M) Chris- You would find the idiot who stole your identity and money

N) ErinInDetroit- You would become a famous punk rocker

O) Shari- You would have to tell me what you wanted

P) Nat- The same as Shari

Q) The Us Government- You would have to tell the American public the truth for one whole week

R) Christine- Since you like to sing and dance I would let you win a Tony for best actress in a musical

S) Trish- I don't know you well enough either so same as Shari's

T) Mr. C- That your relationship last with the partner you have now

U) My Brother- That marry another woman who is not a psychotic bitch

V) My Sisters- That you find happiness in yourselves and you win the lotto

W) Ray- You would become a famous country singer

X) Hugh- Your sight back

Y) My Boss- That you become a millionaire and world famous for the work you are doing

Z) Wild S- A mate that isn't going to screw you over like daffy duck!!

Metal Chick- for you to get cured

Christybee- You would own Disney

Doing these last two posting I realized just how many people have impacted my life in one way or another.



If God Could Let Me Grant Wishes

If God could let me grant wishes for my friends this is what I would give you.

A) Jules- You would become a world famous movie critic

B) Sizzle- You would have the job of you dreams and a soulmate partner who would give you all the orgasms you wanted

C) Cut The Shit Joe- The self confidence that I see in you in your writing

D) Ben- A cure for your cancer and a life time of happiness

E) Ben @ TGIF Hounds- For Rufus and Roscoe to become the most famous hounds in the world

F) Noc- You would become a famous video director

G) Party girl- You would have a soulmate who would give you all the endless pleasure in bed for the rest of your life

J) Justin- I would give you the cure for what ails you

K) Remy- That you would design the most popular video game and make lots of money from it

L) Kevin and Katie- A healthy child of the gender of your choice

M) Mouse- That graphic novel your working on is a best seller

N) Karl- Lifetime happiness with a soulmate

O) Dave- That you would turn cartoon Dave into a world famous comic strip character

P) Pauly D. - That you have a book that is number 1 on the New York Times best seller list

Q) G.T- You would become a 4 star general in the marines and have you would behave yourself(non subtle hint dude)

R) Ross Mathews- Your own T.V. hit show

S) Chase- You would have your babies (pups) back in which you had to give up

T) Janet- You would own the New York Yankees

U) SoCalGal- Whatever you wanted

W) Biscuit- You would suffer no more pain and mother outlaw would get along with you

X) Wat- Endless happiness and good health and a partner that shows you endless love and devotion

Y) Berry and Glynis- I know something about you and your family and I would give you that wish

Z)TonyD- You would become a world famous magician

I know I missed people in this posting like the Gay Guru, Marr, Annie, CG yours will be in the next posting.



The S.C.A.P. Gang (Scroll down for More Pics)

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A Well Placed Stick

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The Trio

This is Mr. C., myself, and that Sassy Goddess Ms. Sizzle. I will not be visiting most peoples blogs till my sidebar returns. I love and miss you all!! Mikey



What Do I Look Like?

A) The NBC Peacock

B) A Hairless Macaw

C) The Gay Statue Of Liberty



A Sad Time For America

It is a sad time here in America. Pres.43 is trying to push a constitutional ban on gay marriage. How would you feel if you couldn't put your partner on your health insurance and they became gravely ill and destroyed you financially? How would you feel if you had no legal rights to your partners possessions when their family disowned then for life? There is suppose to be a separation here of church and state. Why is it then all the bible thumper politicians are the loudest voices in this country? Jesus practiced tolerance why can't our politicians? Our forefathers fought for this right!! I see Americas politicians forgetting those great men who fought so hard for tolerance.

As for gay adoption, I feel that a lot of times gay parents love their children more having to go threw the adoption process. I am not saying that a lot of genetic parents don't love their children but gay parents take in the unwanted children that most straight families refuse to give a second chance. I am sure there are exceptions to this rule. I am not trying to offend anyone but the politicians and give them a wake up call. I was able to see for myself yesterday at pride the love that gay parents show their children.

Being gay is not a choice we make in our lives as one person argued with me for half an hour at pride. We do not wake up one day and tell ourselves that we want a relationship with the same sex. I know in my heart that being gay has to due with something in the human DNA.

So to Pres. 43 and congress I would like you to live under the bigotry and hatred we live with daily. Try living with the stigma of being gay and having HIV. See how it feels like being turned down for jobs when you are asked in a job interview why you haven't worked for a year. You tell them you were fighting to reclaim your health and they say "NEXT!!" Yes it is a sad time in America when our politicians are teaching intolerance. Welcome illegals to the land of the free and home of the brave. Is this really the country where you want to live?




I you go to Sizzle Says you will see a pic of me in today's gay pride parade!!


Pride, Pics, And Councilor

I had a ball being in the gay pride parade here in Santa Cruz. The theme of the "Org." was sleep safe together pajama party. I wore a blue tarry cloth towel and black fuzzy slippers with condoms sown on for eyes.

I will be putting up pics of myself and friend or two as soon a I can get to a computer and put them in photobucket.

I called my HIV/AIDS councilor today to talk to her about how I am feeling about sex. I don't know if I will ever be with a partner but hoping one day to get over my fear of infecting someone with the HIV/AIDS virus and maybe one day be in a healthy relationship.



I wrote this posting last night on paper, now I am writing it electronically.

I wanted to go out dancing lasting and have one or two drinks. I wanted to go out and have and relieve the stress I have been under for the last few days. I left the bar almost in tears. Oh yeah, I ran into a few people I haven't seen for a long time. A few people hit on me that were not my type. My butt is sore from some California bears pinching it. If you look like George "The Animal" Steel with facial hair you are not my type. Mitch (my bosses friend) was also there with one of his friends.

The reason I left almost in tears is I am afraid to have sex. There were some guys at the bar who I would have love to have gotten intimate with, but Chicken Little here didn't. Knowing all the safe sex methods, I so wanted to hit on these guys but I was so afraid of infecting them with the virus.

I do not want anyone to go threw what I have been threw. Why can't I get over this barrier? Am I rushing things a little to fast? Is 18 months of knowing I am positive too soon to have sex. How can I be 100% sure I won't infect someone with the HIV/AIDS virus? After going out and planning to have 1 amaretto sour, I Had 4!!!! So I am going to bed tearful. I am going to allow the alcohol run it's coarse. I will put on my Happy Face tomorrow for all the world to see so they don't see my heart is breaking for the need of some affection.




Well I am doing fine but frustrated as hell. I am staying positive(both ways LOL)knowing what has surpassed will work it self out. A few friends here are trying to find me a computer to use at home till I save up for a good computer.

Yesterday was a rough day for me all around. I was only to work till 6:30 and didn't get home from work till 11:00. I was able to pop into one of my best friends blogs and found out her uncle has passed away. I tried to call her to support here but there was no answer that the house.

A few hours later another friend called me and said her husband was incarcerated. Knowing both parties involved and what the charge is I feel that this man was wrongfully accused because my friend and her husband fell on bad times and couldn't help the other party financially. I'll learn more about this on Tuesday.

Gay pride is tomorrow here in Santa Cruz. I will be marching with the locale HIV/AIDS org. My boss put bright neon, different colored spiky extensions in my bangs. I feel like a gay HIV/AIDS raver poster child.

Missing you all and hoping all is well with you. Mikey