I Have A Cyber Stalker

Yes you read that correct. This dude from San Jose who's into S&M has been stalking me on MySpace and on my Poz.com personal site. You'd think he'd get the hint when I blocked him on both websites I'm not interested. (Well he hasn't yet.)

What's worse is where I work in on my MySpace page and I pray to (the whatever is out there) he doesn't show up at my work. Some dudes just don't get the hint!!

The Retreat

So I just got home a few minutes ago from the retreat. I was soo unplugged up there with no TV or internet but it was fun. The retreat was nothing like I was expecting it too be. I was hoping that they would have some clinical workshops and not all inner growth and metaphysical workshops.

This irked me somewhat for the first day. So as a do before people know me, I kept up my strong barriers. I didn't leave the people who didn't know me into my being not knowing if it was a truly safe enviroment. The first workshop I took was authentic intimacy. This workshop I had an amazing break threw. I know now why I don't go out to look for relationships.

Until I really get to know a person, I'm petrified of intimate touch. I'm not talking about the act of sex (but that is a very strong fear in my being.) This goes way deeper, just the act of someone holding, caressing, and giving me gentle kisses and being loved again scares the crap out of me. So I isolate myself and only let people I don't really know scratch the surface of my heart so I don't get hurt. I don't allow myself my true feelings to emerge and validate how I'm feeling.

So what I learned this weekend is that I need to trust people again. I need to be more open to myself and others and allow myself to be loved. I have very strong barriers, beliefs and conventions. I feel that is one of the reason I like to blog.

Did I find someone that I'd really like to date there? No most of the people there were not my type or they were in relationships. I will admit after I was able to trust the people I was with, I had a truly amazing, wonderful, experience. I hope that I made some long lasting friendships along my journey into self this weekend. Yes some of my barriers were more then a little scratched. Now I have found what I need to work on next.

ps Never play the card game Maui till 4 am in the morning. I laughed as hard or if not harder during these games then in the chat room I frequent. I had an amazing weekend and it was truly what I needed!!

Last Posting Before The HIV/AIDS Retreat Workout Update

This is the last posting I'll write till next week after the retreat. I hope with all the hard work I've been doing the last 3 months that I'll turn some heads. At least I'll have opportunity to meet someone who is positive and hopefully is my type. If this doesn't happen it's alright too. I'm not expecting anything but to relax, enjoy myself, and learn something I don't know about HIV/AIDS.

So I have gone from.......

to this .....

to this...

to this!!

I think I really did well with my working out. BTW do you think I got too much sun this week?

Baaa Haaaa Haaaa I Would Love To Do This!!

I would love to dance with them or The Thunder Down Under In Vegas just once!! It would be a kewl wish if they had a make a wish for adults living with HIV/AIDS!!

Footnote: Special thanks to Daniel who photo shopped this!!

Pop Goes My Ear (Phones) And The Last Push

Well I was riding my bike Sunday jamming out to my Ipod. I was doing a few errands that needed to be done. After they were done, I peddle my ass home. While putting my bike away the cord to my earphones got caught on the handle bars.

I didn't know that the cord got caught on the handle bars and I raises my head. Well I raised my head so hard that the end of one of the Ipod earphones ends popped off in my ear. Let me tell you that hurt like a mother trucker. I was able to snap the end of the ear piece back on but that side still doesn't work. So now I need a new headset for my Ipod which really sucks. I just hope I can get the replacement set before I go to the retreat so I can have some music.

So I'm on the the last two week push at working out trying to become buff for the retreat and gay pride. I didn't workout on Saturday and I kinda beat myself up mentally for not working out. So to compensate I did an extra hard workout yesterday. Let's just say I'm a little sore this morning but by the retreat I am going to look damn fine.

To All Moms....

This Week At Work...

ALL Fucked Up!! AHHHHH!!!

HIV/AIDS Retreat

Memorial day weekend I am going to a HIV/AIDS treat. It's called +PozNeg- Gathering Gay and Bi Men's Retreat & Dialog. I'm I excited about this treat? Hell yeah, I'm getting out of Santa Cruz for another weekend. Not only that I'll be meeting other men who live outside Santa Cruz and can ask them questions about their life.

It's going to take place in Medocino county and in a town called Willits . The lodge we are staying at is the Brooktrails Lodge. They have hot tubs, massage and Osteopathic manipulation. The courses are....

Opening and closing rituals

Heartcircles

Body Electric work

Opening to your playful self (like I really need this one)

The journey to wholeness

Communicating across the sero-status divide

Along with other classes about sex, drugs and other issues.

I'm so excited to go to this retreat. I also received a full scholarship which means all my lodging and food is covered. I'm also REALLY pushing my workouts. This takes place one week before Santa Cruz pride and I'm loosing a week for my goal!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo,

This dude is so my type have man. Have a great one everyone!!

The Pay Off

As I have written on this blog, I am working out.......A LOT!! Well I'm now seeing the pay off for all my efforts. I have gone.....

From this to..........

this!! YEAH!!

Thanks to some of you for the work out tips!!

A Meme: 5 Things You Don't Know About Me

1- I Nair or shave my body from the neck down at least once a month

2- I have Britney Spears on my Ipod (Stronger)

3- I have huge stretch/birthmarks on my right side groin area and my right side back.

4- Working in the salon I have become a product queen. (Jan Marini skin care)

5- I have diarrhea everyday. With the new medication Kaletra it has become worse.

Post Dentist

So the dentist didn't pull that tooth today. They will have to do it one day but they did some other work today. So today I still can talk and eat. Yeah!!!

Dentist

So I'm going to the dentist today to have a tooth pulled today. I really hate the dentist but the work is needed in my mouth. It seems that the HIV/AIDS antiviral medications can dry out your mouth and give you bad teeth.

I never really liked my smile and that is why I never show my teeth in my pics. The last time the I went to the dentist he made a smart ass comment I didn't care for and it took me two years to go back.

Now within that two years the meds. have really made my back teeth really bad. Like I said I'm getting one pulled today and maybe another too. I have so many cavities in my mouth it's scary. So now I am setting my pride aside and having the work done that's needed in my mouth.

Bad teeth can also affect your HIV. The body has a hard time fighting the virus and what's going on in your mouth. I just wished my dental insurance would cover cosmetic dentistry but it doesn't. All my life I wanted the perfect smile and have been told by every dentist that I could never have the perfect smile.

I have always had a huge gap in my front teeth and have been told every time by dentist braces would not work for me. You see, I have small teeth and a large jaw so if I did get braces the teeth would shift anyway.