You Pretend To Create And Observe

There is a part in the Broadway show RENT which goes:

Roger:

From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie

yes, you live a lie tell you why

you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive

you pretend to create and observe

when you really detach from feeling alive


Mark:

Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

Roger:

Poor baby

Right now I feel like I'm detach from feeling alive. I create and observe and try to educate, I work, eat, and sleep but right now there are zero emotions. I feel like I'm the above argument. I'm not saying I'm a cold hearted bitch right now but I need to learn how to feel again.

So many negative things have happened to me since I moved to California I might be traumatized closing my heart to everything and everyone. I feel like I'm putting up a false front with everyone so they don't knowing the true me.

I feel like I'm empty almost being in a robotic mode living my life. Going threw my paces but not truly feeling, not knowing what life has in store, not truly living. I will let you know the past 3 and something years have kind of sucked with trauma.

I don't know what it's going to take from me to truly to start to live. For now I'll stay in my robo mode till I can figure out where the next road takes me in life's journey.

The Bathroom Bowl Blues

I really think my blogs shouldn't be Poz Mikey, I think they should be My Life On The Toilet. Yes I'm going to humble myself today saying, I have diarrhea, the shitz, the Hershey squirts, the runs, the bathroom bowl blues whatever you want to call it 24/7. One of my antivirals known as Kaletra is infamous for this problem.

It's becoming more of an issue everyday. Yes, sometimes I do not make it to the bathroom on time and I have accidents. One of the things you may not know about me is that I carry a spare pair of undies in my backpack at all times should I have an accident away from home.

Every time I have one of these accidents, I get really emotional and shook up. This is one of the main reasons I'm afraid to travel too far away from home. People have given me options and I'm still trying a few so I can crap redwood trees.

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,
They say you don't get what you want unless you put your wishes out to you. So I am humbling myself today asking for your universal energy to grant my needs, wants, and desires, and wishes.

• Continued Good Health Living With HIV/AID

• A Laptop So I Can Get Out Of My Bedroom- I would love the Dell (RED) campaign laptop but any new laptop would do

• A Speaking Group So I Can Go To Schools And Educate About HIV/AIDS

• A Vacation - I really need to get the hell out of Dodge for a few days

• A New Flat Screen Television - February 9th next year everything goes digital

• A New Specialize Street Bike - My bike is alright but it needs a tune up and a new seat

• A New Bedroom Set - I'm tired of black lacquer set living with it for sooo many years

• A New Place To Live Where I Can Be Myself And Be Affordable For Me To Live - I may have to move in six months because I live in a HIV/AIDS transitional house and I'm scared I won't find a place I can afford

• To Go Skydiving

• A Partner- I hope he cums soon hehehehehe

So there you are Universe please grant me my wants, desires, wishes, and dreams. It is only with your help that they will come into my life.


Yours truly,
Mikey

PS I have tried to contact a few computer companies for a laptop for a donation. Since I educate about HIV/AIDS in the private sector no one will donate a laptop since I'm not a non-profit.

A Disturbing But True E Mail: Proud To Be White

I'm not going to talk about HIV/AIDS, or my job today and what not with all the controversy about Barak Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Don Imus, and Michael Richards over the last few months and racism. I read below the following e mail and thought "WOW, this is sad but true!!"

The following words are not my words and I don't use some of these words:

PROUD TO BE WHITE

How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.

And then there are just Americans

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me White boy, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, Caveman. And that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink...

You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP. You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) — We'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day — You would call us racists.

If we had White History Month — We'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance OUR lives" — You would call us racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.

Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were a "White college" THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching For your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,

You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride.

You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society. You call him a racist.

I am proud and white.
But, you call me a racist.

Ever wonder...

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Like I said those were not my words.

The above passages shows just how far we need to go to end racism, segregation, and discrimination. I'm just wondering where standards stops and truths be known. I know if a black person was denied something on there race (which they shouldn't,) you would see Reverend Al Sharpton and Reverend Jessie Jackson all of CNN. When are they going to speak up about a white person being denied wanting to go to one of the over 60 black colleges in this country?

This country is over two hundred years old. This country needs to grow up and get back to basics like our forefathers. Our founding fathers stated "All men our created equal." I want to take it a step further saying "All people are created equal no matter what their race, sexual preference, men, women, ect!!"

Call me idealistic I don't care. I feel that Black, White, Asian, whatever history should all be taught equally and black history month abolished. It really burned my butt when I found out that on February 7 was black AIDS day. How can we as a society get past segregation when we want everyone to be equal but yet we are segregating, classifying ourselves in different categories all the time. There is only one classification for ourselves, WE ARE AMERICANS. I'm proud to say "I'm a proud, white, gay male living with HIV/AIDS who would date any gay male of any race (as long as they are cute!!)

I Believe

I was watching a movie and a line struck very close to home. It's a line that has been repeated many times in history and I believe in this saying. The line went "One man can change the world." If this line is true, it gives me great pleasure and new insight for me educating about HIV/AIDS.

I know already I have helped a few people living with this disease and educated other people. I also believe that I got this disease to educate and on the world wide web. With all the tyranny and injustice in this world I do believe on person can make a difference inspiring others to make a difference.

I would love to be that one man. I just wished I wouldn't have to educate from the computer in my bedroom. I believe one day I'll get a wireless laptop and see the world!!

Special Props

Today I need to send out special props to a fellow blogger. Before I reveal who this certain blogger is, I need to tell your a story....

I touched base with my boss on Monday before we started work again on Tuesday. He informs me that I received a letter from Illinois. Well I only know two people from Illinnois. They are Anastasia Beaverhausen and Oprah.

Well things just popped into my head. Things like, "Oh My God, Oh My God Oprah wants to interview my on the work I'm trying to do educating on my blogs!!" Then I thunk "Oh Anastasia Beaverhausen sent me picks of her toddler." Guess what? I was wrong on both accounts!!

Now it's time to give out the special props to Iteach. She sent a card to my work thanking me for my trying to educate about HIV/AIDS. The card said "INC(RED)IBLE" on the outside and (seriously you really ROCK) on the inside of the card. The card was part of the (RED) campaign which Hallmark is now a sponsor.

Second it was a musical card. When I opened the card, the card played Tina Turner's "Simply The Best." For those who really know me know I love Tina Turner. I saw her in concert front row center many years ago. She was one of the few women in this world that gave me an erection. REALLY!!! I"M NOT SHITTING YOU!!

Thank you Iteach very much for the card. You knew two things I love and sent me both.

With Much Love,
Mikey

Admonished And Delete

Yesterday I was admonished by a certain person on a site for people who are positive for my blogs. They didn't care for the word terminal illness and my usage of the term. Granted HIV/AIDS in this country is treatable and not the death sentence as in the past, it is still killing people in the states along with various other conditions due to HIV/AIDS.

I could not find the lifespan expectancy for people living with HIV/AIDS now while researching this posting. I also couldn't find the percentage of people who can't, don't receive treatment for HIV/AIDS. Somewhere I read but couldn't find is life expectancy here in the states went from 2 years of life up to 25 years. Again I can not confirm this as I can not confirm 1 out of 5 people only receive treatment for HIV/AIDS.

Here is a passage of an article I found:

Viewed as a terminal disease just a decade ago, HIV/AIDS is now often characterized as a chronic yet manageable disease. The goal of this study is to assess the perceptions of the course of the disease among persons living with AIDS and their informal support partners and to identify the themes that distinguish the differing perceptions of the epidemic. The findings from this research reveal that 41% of persons living with AIDS and 39% of their informal support partners perceive AIDS as chronic. By contrast, 37% of persons living with AIDS and 39% of the informal support partners perceive AIDS to be terminal rather than chronic.

Among persons living with HIV/AIDS, those with lower levels of education and higher levels of perceived race-based discrimination were significantly more likely to view AIDS as a terminal rather than chronic condition. In addition, informal support partners in poor health were significantly more likely than others to view AIDS as terminal rather than chronic. Content analyses of the qualitative data revealed five broad themes related to the specific perceptions of AIDS, including medications, personal experience, cure, time/eventuality and education. The implications of these findings are discussed.

Bottom line is the controversy rages on weather or not HIV/AIDS is viewed as a chronic illness or a terminal illness.

Now back to the person who admonished me for my blogging and the tone of my blogging. I try to educate all I can dealing with HIV/AIDS. I cross post to the blogging sites that I blog. I know the person who scolded me was not the founder of the site but might have been an original member. In all fairness I can't always blog soft and fluffy saying everything is going to be fine having had three roommates die from HIV/AIDS the first year I was diagnosed.

My passion right now is to educate about HIV/AIDS including the good and the bad. Some of the postings are very hard core like the posting yesterday of people in third world countries raping babies thinking they are going to be cured of HIV/AIDS. In all fairness to me this information needs to be put out to people who are positive and to people who are negative.

I have now deleted my account from that site for I cannot be stifled in my blogging. One friend of mine stated one time "I love your blogging. It has an in your face, this is who I am. take me or leave me tone." So I'll keep posting on Blogger and MySpace trying to educate about HIV/AIDS but you may not always like what I write but I hope you learn more about HIV/AIDS.

The Virgin Cure

In third world countries there is a belief that sleeping with a virgin will cure sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS. Most of the time these cases involve infants from five months years of age up to young teens. These cases which are considered rape includes both male and female but most of them are female.

This belief stemmed from 16th century Europe all the way to 19th century Victorian England. They believed at that time by sleeping (Raping) a virgin would cure diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea and other STD's. At that time syphilis was terminal as HIV/AIDS is chronic/terminal.

Now a days, the uneducated still practice this belief in third world countries influenced by European culture. Three of the hot spots in this world believing in this practice are South Africa, India and Thailand. They still believe that sleeping with (raping) young children will cure them of HIV/AIDS.

Most of these paedophiliacs are men and they usually are multiple offenders. It is estimated in South Africa alone there is as many as 60 children raped a day. Most of these rapes are family members of the family or who are friends of the family. It should be noted the mother of these rape victims are in there early 20's. It should also be noted that these rapes usually takes place in the mother's place for residence.

Again this shows me the cultural differences of this world. It also shows me the importance of educating about HIV/AIDS and other STD's. Keeping the facts in the forefront of the public mind is one way to slow down the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Footnote- This was one of the hardest postings I have written without being judgmental.

Medical Cannaibis

About a week ago I started to use medical cannabis. One of the side effects of the antivirals I take is insomnia. I bolt up from sleeping every hour, hour and a half, two hours. Try to function over a three year time period and being yourself with this sleeping condition.

I've talked to my doctor many times on this issue and he has prescribed many different sleeping pills for me to try for my insomnia. Every single one of those sleeping pills has given me a drug induced hangover the next morning. After taking those sleeping pills, I couldn't function for hours after I have awoken from sleep.

Now that I've started on cannabis, I'm sleeping four, five, six hours straight without bolting out of sleep. Here in California, medical cannabis was legalized in 1996 for many medical conditions. There are 11 other states that have passed cannabis for medical conditions. Two other states have passed provisions but not legalizing cannabis for medical reasons. If you would like to see which states passed medical cannabis laws and provisions you can click here. It informs you on the number of plants and usable ounces your are allowed to have in your possession for medical purposes.

I do know people do abuse their cannabis rights. I also know the FDA looks down on the use of medical cannabis cracking down on medical cannabis clubs daily. For me as a person living with HIV/AIDS, I find it useful now just being able to function during the day after having a good nights sleep. In 2005 the Kansas Compassionate Care Coalition published the facts about the use of medical cannabis and HIV/AIDS.

I would also like you to know while researching this blog posting, I came across every single presidential candidate running this year and their views on medical cannabis. If you like to know how your candidate would vote for the use of medical cannabis you can click here.

Until the state of California tells me it's illegal for me to use cannabis, I'll keep using cannabis for sleep so I can function with the daily needs of my life. I'll also hold onto my medical cannabis card for dear life!! To quote Charlton Heston in front of the NRA "They'll only get my medical cannabis card by prying it out of my cold, dead hand!!"

Bug Chasers

Recently I have learned that their is a group of men known as bug chasers. These are gay men who have unprotected sex wanting to contract the HIV/AIDS virus. What is more frightening to me are the "Gift Givers!!" Gay men willing to spread the HIV/AIDS virus to someone who wants HIV/AIDS.

Psychologist suggest the people who are gift givers and bug chasers may have anxiety and self esteem problems. In my opinion, I don't see any good reason for contracting HIV/AIDS. Taking meds everyday, the side effects from the meds, and worrying that your health could turn for the worse any day.

Are the "Gift Givers" so upset that they have the virus that they want everyone to be HIV positive? I don't know, but I have herd of these cases and they don't give a damn to whom they infect.

For me disclosure is everything. I have to be very up front about my HIV status. I want a partner to know that we have to have safe sex so they don't get the virus. If I'm with a partner who is HIV positive, I still want to have safe sex so the virus doesn't mutate becoming drug resistant. As a person who is considered having AIDS no matter how high his T cells are, I find the information disturbing. To read the article on bug chasing you can click here.

Page 5

One of my friends named Pinky shot me an e mail on myspace about page 5. Something she found on Google images blew her mind. She stated that she came across some crazy ass guy from Santa Cruz being a nut. OMG I'm ROFLMFAO!!

And Still The Band Plays On

This was a very long and wild week at my job. So Saturday night tired, exhausted, and wanting to hibernate in my room, I slipped the DVD "And The Band Played On" into my DVD player. I have seen this film before but not in the past 3 something years since I was diagnosed with AIDS.

This film is still realivent today, as it was when it was first filmed. The bickering of buerocratic politics and government red tape which continue today in the battle against HIV/AIDS. How the government is complacment about HIV/AIDS now as it was back at the start of the AIDS epidemic in the Regan years. I loved how the showed Regan wouldn't even say the word AIDS till many had died from the virus. Now the republicans think he is a god in this political season since his passing.

Another major poignant part of the film is how the government and health field treated peoples deaths as not cost effective with major corporation attitudes. That lawsuits are more cost effective then saving the lives of people with any disease.

At the end of the film, there is a tribute to people living with and or who died from HIV/AIDS. They showed the role models of that day such as people like Ryan White and his mother Jeanne. Where are the role models for this generation? Where are the celebrities and long time survivors living with HIV/AIDS to keep AIDS in fore front of the public consciousness? In my opinion, they have all faded away only stepping up to the plate on World AIDS Day. Here we are in 2008 and still the band plays on.